Your Friday Afternoon Topic Dump, vol. 7

shiny pants crewCan you feel it? Can you feel the power of this ballsy new $40 per month server we’re on today, vs. the puny $15 job we were on yesterday? …Yeah, me neither. Oh well.

On Wednesday my hosting company blocked access to all my sites, with the exception of Maturity, and used the phrase “resource hog.” Meaning I was using more than my fair share. There’s a pithy political metaphor in there somewhere, but I’m already bored with it.

In any case, we came to an agreement whereby I pay $25 more per month, in exchange for them leaving me the fuck alone. They wanted an extra $57, so this feels like a minor victory.

I have tons more resources at my disposal now, and am no longer sharing a server with 800 other websites whose owners are apparently happy to see me go. I guess I’m a bad neighbor?

Yeah, I feel soooo ashamed, creating something that people actually want to read. I’m a regular Adolph Hitler.

But the migration from the old server to the new one went reasonably well. There were a couple of bumps in the road, but as far as I know everything is as it was. Hopefully I can now get back to never thinking about my hosting company again… ’cause when I’m thinking about them, it’s not a good day.

This week one of the boys — once again — deposited what I’m envisioning as a cannonball of feces down the upstairs toilet. And the thing sealed off like a submarine.

So, over the course of a day and a half I was up there, off and on, plunging and hollering, “Have you ever heard of a glass of water?! Try it sometime, and you might stop shoving out HoneyBaked Hams! Jesus!!”

I think I now require Tommy John surgery, as a result of the Xtreme Plunging, but I finally achieved a breakthrough. And man… when it all lets loose, there’s a great sense of satisfaction. I was walking on sunshine for hours, after declaring victory over that mega-turd. If you’d like to send me a congratulatory eCard, nobody’s stopping you.

For the record, here are three oft-used words or phrases that make me cringe:

Merica
West “By God” Virginia (Or simply West By God)
internets

I implore all the world’s population: please stop it. You think it’s cute, but it is not. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Last weekend I rented a movie from Redbox for the first time. It was pretty great. I got This Is The End for $1.29, and watched it with the younger boy. And, except for this part, I loved it.

That scene is funny enough, but I was sitting beside my 15 year old son at the time… And the thing went on and on; it seemed to last for 20 minutes. Both of us were just staring straight ahead with no expressions on our faces, wishing it would end already. It felt like I was 12 again, with my parents, enduring a TV commercial about “personal freshness.”

But overall the movie was a lot of fun, and I recommend it. I liked Redbox too. Except for one small thing… While I was using it, a line started forming behind me. So, I was under pressure to complete the transaction and get out of everybody’s way. I didn’t want to become the person I complain about.

So, when it said I could add a second movie for 50 cents, I declined. And when it asked for my email address, so I could receive promo codes etc., I declined again. I got in and out, and moved aside for people who almost certainly didn’t extend the same consideration to the people behind them.

My plan: To stop in there on my way home from work, during the middle of the night, and have that Redbox all to myself. It’ll be my own private kiosk, without the social pressure of a gang of eye-rolling weight-shifting teenagers queuing up behind me.

Yes, it’ll just be me and the ladies from the grocery store, having a smoke break, and telling stories to one another with their cig and bourbon-ravaged voices in which the narrator is invariably a bad-ass who tells it like it is, and if people don’t like it, tough shit. These are my people.

And I’m gonna call it a week here, my friends. Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might enjoy this new site, please tell them about it. Also, don’t forget about social media: share the updates you enjoy at Twitter and Facebook. It helps a great deal.

Have a great weekend!

I’ll see you guys again on Monday.

Comments

  1. Why are there no comments yet?

  2. I know you must have a smart phone, so download their app. You can browse on your phone and reserver your movies. Then all you do is show up and swipe your card and it dispenses your movies.

    Plus they send you all sorts of discounts this way.

  3. You, sir, are part of the Redbox problem. Always browse the kiosk contents and reserve your movies online or on your phone BEFORE you go. When you get there, just swipe and collect. Everybody wins. And remember that new movies hit Redbox on Tuesday just like the olden days.

  4. Ron From PA says:

    “cannonball of feces” Best laugh I’ve had all week

  5. Milo Bloom says:

    How the hell do those things work anyway? Does a magic Disc Fairy show up at night and sprinkle new discs into the machine? Are they delivered via transporter? Do Not Understand.

  6. I tried Redbox, and I liked it when I could reserve the movie in advance and then just swipe my credit card to pick it up, but that wasn’t available from Thursday through Saturday. Maybe it’s just that way at my local kiosk.

    Once, when returning movies to the kiosk, a woman came up to me and wanted to see what movies I was returning. I didn’t care for that.

    Congratulations on getting the toilet unplugged!

  7. Weegleflip says:

    There’s a guy at work who says ‘Merica’ frequently to make fun of rural rednecks with too much patriotism and too little intelligence. One of these days, like today, perhaps, I’m gonna inform he’s actually one of those people.

  8. madz1962 says:

    Jeff, can you use your magic plunger on my bathroom sink? I think I have the makings of a wig factory stuck in the drain.

    Didn’t “Merica” start out as a redneck thing? Along like lines of “gument cheese.”? But yeah, I agree. Everybody cut that out.

    I’ve never tried Redbox so i would be the real pain in the ass new user. Oh well. I have HBO, Cinemax etc so sooner or later, the movies show up. The guy at the autobody shop told us about a movie “Rob the Mob” that’s supposed to be really good. It’s on PPV now so it should be hitting the movie channels shortly.

  9. Wisey in Ttown says:

    If it’s not on Netflix or Amazon Prime, I’m not watching it. If I end up running out of things to watch I start back on Rockford Files and Breaking Bad. Those are two of the best shows in their era, bar none.

  10. Johnny_99 says:

    I’ve read (on the internet, singular) recently that mega turd toilet clogs can be undone by pouring liquid clothes detergent in the bowl, and letting it sit for a little while. I haven’t got a chance to try it out because in our new house we got some serious toilets…I swear you could flush a boot down them.

    Google it…maybe it will be one of those search terms to bring new readers to Maturity.

    • Most of the new toilets won’t flush the foam off of piss.

    • Never tried it on a turd blockage but I have poured a bottle of Tide into a sink (and u-bend) full of vomit, not mine I add – I can handle my drink, and left it do its funky thing overnight. Vomit basically gone by morning. It’s the enzymes in the Tide. I would try this on a cannonball turd if the situation ever arose.

  11. wvwoody says:

    west by god, Jeff has been seething at me since seeing my twitter, sorry Jeff, please forgive nah nevermind see ya around the internets

  12. I too am sick of the term “internets”. Also intensionally using “teh” for “the”, “pwned”, all those other phrases used by the trendy lemming-heads.

  13. bikerchick says:

    Tell your kid to use a wire hanger to beat that turd into submission before flushing. What does that kid eat?!?

    I hear “West by God” all the time. Especially since we are a stone’s throw from the WV border. The phrase I could go a lifetime without EVER hearing again is “You know, right?”. I don’t know where or how it originated….but STOP IT!!

  14. Erica in Charlotte says:

    Hey, thanks for not rushing thru this update. It really made all the difference. 🙂

    I’ve had the same experience at the Redbox (Ret Box), with people standing on top of me like that. Dicks. I may shamelessly crop dust them next time.

    And Merica/Murica? Kill it with fire!!! Have a great weekend…

  15. Jeannette says:

    “Have you ever heard of a glass of water?”

    Jesus, I almost woke up my baby I was laughing so hard. Don’t make me wake up the baby.

    I think I already have the polar opposite kind of kid-shitting situation. My boy is 3 and shits, roughly, 5 times a day on average. He’s a goddamned machine. And when kid is doing it that often, it’s not a plunger-situation…it’s that he can blow through a roll of TP in 2 days, on his own. I’m scared for the teenage years.

    I’m definitely guilty of using internets. And talking about on/off ramps to the information superhighway being nearby. I apologize.

  16. I like to say Since-a-fuckin-natty. And My-fuckin-amiee. San Fran-fuckin-sisco. Phil-a-fuckin-delphia. Minnie-fuckin-apolis. They need to embellish WBGV a bit, I agree. Has creativity been lost on Appa-fuckin-lachia? Jeaus-fuckin-Christ!

  17. Perhaps this lad possesses the strong, seldom detected “Excretion Gene”…aka EG. In early man, the droppings of the inhabitants of a certain area would be an indicator to any predator, be it man or beast, as to the likelihood of encountering a formidable opponent. A very large deposit would be produced and displayed as a warning to intruders. The boy is merely exhibiting his desire and driven need to protect his family. He knows his beloved Andy is under constant siege and as the emerging alpha tribe leader, these episodes of boundary protection will increase. It maybe wise to occasionally let him roam free in the back yard and front yard (at night of course) to fulfill his primal urges to protect the ones he loves.

  18. Red box nightmare a few years ago. Rented bernie three times all discs were duds. Their customer service was top notch.
    Off to a wedding near Zanesville wooooo!

  19. The Divine Miss E says:

    It’s funny you say that, because googling “West By God Virginia” is what lead me to The WVSR several years ago. My friend from WV says it all the time, and I wanted to know the origins of this phrase. It all worked out well, because now I get to read your updates and laugh every couple days.

  20. We have these low flow jobbers at work that have an air bladder inside the tank. It helps blast the water down the poop hole and they don’t hardly ever plug and they have to endure a lot of fecal material.

    I too chuckled loudly at “Have you ever heard of a glass of water?!”
    Perhaps it’s time to teach the offender how to use a plunger or perhaps it’s time for me to mind my own fucking business.

  21. HATE Merica. Give it a rest already. It wasn’t funny the first time. And interwebs is just as bad as internets, if not worse.

Speak Your Mind

*