These are not absolute rules; there have been exceptions, and almost certainly will be again. And it’s not comprehensive, either. I’ll likely think of three or four more “genres” I tend to avoid, while driving to work today. But it’s a start, and I hope you guys will jump in and take up my slack at the end.
So, let’s get to it… These are the types of movies and TV shows which automatically cause deep skepticism, and trigger a frown in my soul.
Swords and Dwarves
Anything to do with swords (SHING!), dwarves wearing animal pelts, and cruel fat men drinking from a jewel-encrusted chalice is out. With extreme prejudice. This includes Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and Game of Thrones. There is not a single molecule in my enormous body that is drawn to it. Is it “fantasy?” Is that the official genre? Whatever you call it, I’m not interested. You beanbag chair masturbating unicorn highwater plushy neck-beard gamer nerds.
I don’t mind movies where creatures from outer space come to Earth, and regular people are forced to deal with them in some way. But I’m not generally a fan of the ones set in outer space. It often gets into mythology and grandiose themes, and veers mighty close to Swords and Dwarves territory. This includes the Star Wars movies. After the first one, it’s all bullshit, anyway. And the first one ain’t all that great. I know it’s a hard thing to admit, but true. Give me Hooper, any day.
You can file a lawsuit if you’d like, but I don’t like watching people overcome physical and mental disabilities. Oh, it’s good that it happens, don’t get me wrong. But for entertainment purposes, on a Friday night? I think not. And I especially don’t enjoy watching shows designed to shame us into being more understanding and sensitive to such things. Or, more precisely: feel anger that others don’t care more. Because the folks who watch such films are ALREADY perfect beings. Right?
If there’s even a hint of preachy, I’m out. I won’t be lectured by smug Malibu pricks angling for a Golden Globe. We get it. Slavery, racism, AIDS, heartless corporations, homophobia, bullying, and war are all bad, very bad. And we understand that the 45 unnecessary and boring minutes you let remain in your movie automatically renders it “important.” But I’ll be home watching House Hunters International, thank you very much. Go fuck yourself.
If a story can’t be told in two hours, it’s not a story worth telling. A person shouldn’t have to wear a diaper or cath their peehole before entering a theater, because they’re going to be held hostage for the next 187 minutes. Sheesh. Take your self-indulgent shitball back to the editing bay, and try to make something that’s actually fun to watch, artist-boy.
I’ve dated women who were partial to the artsy-fartsy, and saw many such films. A few were surprisingly interesting, but most made me want to fashion a dagger from a popcorn box, and plunge it into my neck. I recall one, in particular, that featured what felt like ten minutes of a fat laughing woman in a tree, dropping rose petals and continuing to laugh, for a long, long time. WTF?? I learned later this “signified” something. You know, in the lobby… from skinny dudes wearing expensive frames, pontificating in knowing tones. And I had to rush home, shotgun five or six Rolling Rocks, and watch Cabin Boy, just to get my soul re-calibrated.
Here’s the pitch: Petticoat Junction, right? But it’s not your grandfather’s Petticoat Junction. No, Uncle Joe, for instance, will be a decidedly darker character, with lecherous overtones. You know when the girls go swimming in the Cannonball water? Ol’ Joe is always watching, popping Cialis and spanking it furiously. The girls themselves are not nearly as innocent either, and Kate, the matriarch, has a terrifying cig and bourbon voice, and is running the Hooterville crime syndicate, shaking down Drucker and others. Heh. Actually, I’d watch that one… But straight-up remakes of shitty movies and shows from the 1970s? Or even worse: great movies like Psycho, that can’t be improved? I’ll pass. It’s fashionable to blame “out of ideas” creators — like writers and directors — but this happens because of commerce. It’s easier for studios to recoup their money if a movie already has a recognizable brand, even before one minute of film has been shot. But who loses in this gambit? All of us!
Like I say, I’ll surely come up with other questionable “genres,” but this is a good starting point. You guys can take it from here.
And I’ll see you again soon.
Have a great day!
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