Sometimes when I’m talking with my parents it reminds me of Larry King’s Twitter stream. I know that’s a cliche, said many times before… But Larry e-blurts random thoughts every once in a while that kill me. Here are a few recent gems:
- I don’t see pinky rings anymore.
- I wish I had a cleft chin.
- I love Bugs Bunny.
- I don’t know, lately, I like candles.
- I wonder what it’s like to have a job in a lighthouse?
On Sunday morning I was chatting with my mom — admittedly about eating in restaurants, so it wasn’t 100% off-the-wall — when she said, “I’ve never liked appetizers.” I laughed, because it sounded exactly like a Larry King tweet, and also because it’s painting with such a broad brush. All appetizers? Without exception?
Afterward, I started thinking about it and realized… I’m not a huge fan, either. I especially don’t like deep-fried vegetables that serve as nothing more than a transport platform for ranch dressing, or some other dipping sauce. I think people believe it’s somewhat healthy, because there’s an emaciated piece of onion underneath all the grease. Blechh.
For the record: my least-favorite vegetable with which to move liquefied fat is zucchini. That’s a bullshit vegetable if there ever was one. I’m not sure where Larry stands on it, but I say zucchini is for the birds!
I also don’t care for wings and shrimp and sliders, etc. Those are main course items masquerading as appetizers. Am I wrong? Deep-fried cheese is OK… but goddamn. May as well just have someone pump fat straight into the chambers of your heart.
Nachos are good, but they’re also more of an entree in my book. I don’t know, I think I’m with my mother on this one. It’s too much, too soon. Just go with a salad, for god’s sake, not a mini-meal before the main meal.
The one exception: loaded potato skins. Oh yeah. If I’m forced into an appetizer corner, I’ll go with the skins every time. Unfortunately, it feels like they’ve fallen out of favor, and I’m often alone in this preference. Everybody wants DISGUSTING mushrooms rolling in garlic, and that sort of thing. I’d rather eat a plate of my dog’s yard biscuits.
And before I turn this most important of subjects over to you guys, I have a couple more Larry-like thoughts on the subject:
- It annoys me when people call ’em “apps.”
- Same goes for “I’ll do.” As in, “Let’s see… I think I’ll do the fried zucchini.” Fuck you.
What are your feelings on appetizers? Which ones do you like the most and least? Are you in agreement with your significant other, or is there appetizer discord at the table? Also, let’s try to keep this grounded in the real world, if you don’t mind. I’m talking about standard appetizers found in standard restaurants. I’m not talking about Vietnam, five-star restaurants, or some obscure vegan diner in Long Balls, Idaho. Please try to keep it relatable.
And I’m going to work now. My nipples are exploding with delight!
I’ll see you guys again soon.
Suggestaholic has been reborn! Check it out now.