Warning: Do Not Read This If You Haven’t Eaten Yet

pitsI was reading an article last week about a heroic college professor who is offering extra credit to her female students, if they’ll refrain from shaving their pits and legs for 10 weeks. Hero. Supposedly she’s teaching them to defy “social body hair norms.”

And once the pit fur starts a-poppin’ the students, who are paying tens of thousands of dollars per year for this caliber of instruction, are supposed to keep a journal and write about how the general public reacts to the Doobie Brother they now have festering under each arm.

That last part would be kind of fun, I have to admit. Send a bunch of cutesy female students into the community, and report on what happens when folks notice they have armpits like long-haul truckers. I hope some of the hedge-pit diaries make it online. And I hope nobody gets killed, after doing a triple-take and walking in front of a UPS truck.

The professor couldn’t exclude the sad, deluded guys who took her Women’s Studies class in hopes of picking up chicks. So, they can also earn extra credit — if they shave everything from the neck down.

But I don’t think anyone would even notice. In this era of manscaping, I don’t believe people would think twice if they saw some dude with shaved pits. The men who stormed the beach at Normandy might have a problem with it (“This is what we were fighting for?!”), but it’s a new, confusing day.

So, I think the young Alan Aldas are getting off easy with this assignment. Right? And anyway, who’s going to confirm the worst part of it? The pube eradication project? Are they on the honor system? If so, I suggest they lie.

I don’t think I’ve ever told this story before, because it’s kinda weird and embarrassing. But what’s it matter at this point? That ship has sailed.

You see… many years ago, about three decades to be exact, I entered into some kind of ill-conceived pact with my girlfriend at the time. My memory isn’t clear on the matter, but I’m almost certain it wasn’t my idea. That kind of thing is not on my perversion spectrum. But, who knows? I was young.

In any case, we vowed to go full bald eagle down below, before we got together for the weekend. We planned to do it up right, and rent a motel room for the big reveal.

And I know this seems like no big deal today, but it happened during the early 1980s — when the ladies in Penthouse looked like they were sitting on the shoulders of Lenny Kravitz. There was so much jungle down there, you probably needed a fan boat to navigate it.

And, as far as I know, men never did such things. NEVER. So, it felt like I was the one going the farthest out on the pubic limb. But I knew there was likely to be sex involved, so I agreed. I probably would’ve robbed a bank back then, if there was the promise of sex on the other side.

Anyway, it was not good, my friends. I remember nothing positive coming from the experiment, and plenty of negatives. Including: apocalyptic rashing, and an itch that laughs in the face of poison ivy.

And then there was the five o’clock shadow… I don’t want to be unfair here, but when I was getting friendly with my girl a few days later, and saw something that looked like Richard Nixon at the 1960 presidential debates, it was off-putting. Ya know?

Hell, we probably did it wrong. What did we know about performing  a genital shave-down? There was little to no information about it in the Charleston Gazette.

But I’m telling you, it never happened again. No freaking way. And I counsel those poor misguided bastards in the Women’s Studies class to lie. Just tell ’em what they want to hear, and leave it alone. Or, if you have a guilty conscious, do a radical trim or whatever. But complete eradication? You’ll be sorry.

What are your thoughts on this most pressing of matters? Do you have anything to say, or possibly even confess? Use the comments link below.

And I’ll see you guys again on Wednesday, with the Name Game.

Have a great day, my friends.

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Comments

  1. Skippy in WV says:

    Heh “full bald eagle”.

  2. What I don’t get about the hair assignment is, how would anybody know whether or not your skin was shorn?

    The only skin from the neck down people see on me is from my elbows to m7y vinger tips. Guys that wear full button up shirts, in stead of polos, have even less showing. My armpits could me as slick as snot on a plate glass window this very moment and no one would be any wiser to it.

    And even though women generally show more skin than me, how the hell would I know if their pits or legs look like hedgehog nests? I can’t recall a situation where I was face to pit with a strangers Bob Ross brand underarm bush.

    How many people a day are walking around dressed like proffesional basketball players on game night?

    I would also like to see the statistics on the change in how often these people (shorn men and unshorn women) get laid compaired to eachothe. .

  3. I can confirm the itching.

  4. Brenda Love says:

    Deodorant works a lot more effectively on shaved armpits! That’s always a big plus…..

    • madz1962 says:

      I was thinking the same thing. 92 degrees with 98 percent humidity and you’re sporting a Brillo pad under your pits? No… just no.

  5. Erica in Charlotte says:

    I have no problem participating in this 10-week experiment. 10 weeks? Pah. Check me out in mid-February, when I’ve neglected a razor since Labor Day.

    I kid, I kid. Possibly.

    • madz1962 says:

      One of the benefits of menopause (for me, anyway) is that I could go for weeks now without shaving my legs. The pits need a weekly swipe but the legs are very slow to grow.

    • aileen in jackson ms says:

      Hahahahaha! I was thinking the same thing, Erica. Ten weeks of no shaving? Child’s play!

  6. Not mention ingrown hairs in the nether region hurt as bad a nose zits.

  7. Well thanks for bringing up a topic in which I’m oddly fascinated. More importantly I appreciate the vivid similes like Doobie Brothers and Lenny Kravitz. I usually default to ZZ Top.

    So a friend who is an OBGYN says almost all the kids groom or shave entirely. Unless you’re 40 or 50 because it was unheard of in our day… And we missed the memo.

    The upsides are many. You feel less Woodstock Simian. Less pinching. I haven’t experienced the itch or rash. But here’s the problem. Ingrown hairs.

    Although I quite like freeing ingrown hairs with a pin. It’s like getting a good chunk of earwax or trapping a yard vole, both of which inexplicably fire the same pleasure center in my noggin.

    Speaking of hairy mammals, you gotta catch Naked and Afraid. New guilty pleasure.

    • I spent many years as a nurse in Labor & Delivery, and your friend is correct. And I love Naked and Afraid. My favorite episode was the one where the military guy got the wicked sunburn. Did he not think that through?

  8. madz1962 says:

    My mother and 4 other sisters would have yanked me out of this freak class and experiment faster than you could say “Gillette”.

    What do they take next semester? How to hunt squirrels and make your very own sanitary napkins?

    Hey, wait a minute, is Nancy the Professor?

  9. BF & I both shave “down there.” We are 39 & 41 and have both been doing so for years (5-10???). Keeping it up (haha) is the key to avoiding itchiness, ingrown hair issues & rashiness. I’ve had laser hair removal done & though it doesn’t eliminate the need to shave, it definitely makes a substantial difference in the area being more smooth and soft all the time.

  10. Tyrosine says:

    If the choice given is for men to start shaving or women will stop, I’ll gladly head south of the neckline with the razor. “Hirsute” is not a good look for any woman.

  11. Not a big deal for the guys, like you said. I’ve got a body groomer for getting cleaned up for cycling. Also, when I’m SCUBA diving I am in some small fitted swim trunks that require a little preparation so I don’t look like a freak of nature. Then again, I’m in my early 30’s and I know guys who have gone for the laser hair removal which is taking it a little far – unless you look like a baboon or something. So, for some 20 year old guys I can’t see this being something that is all that difficult to deal with. The trick is not using a razor for anything… just use a groomer and you have no ingrown hairs or itching.

  12. Lew in Bama says:

    Listen men…a little man-scaping goes a LONG way.
    If you ever want your wife or girlfriend to give you regular hummers, you’ve got to clean that musty nest up.
    You don’t have to go all pre-puberty bald on us…a little trim is sufficient. Nobody under the age of 50 should be rocking the 1970’s full bush down there…it’s just unsightly. The male anatomy is ugly enough on its own, the fur collar isn’t helping.
    On the other hand, unless you are an olympic swimmer, it is absolutely unacceptable to shave the rest of your body. Yes, a hairy back should be trimmed (no sweaters in the pool), but mens legs and arms should NOT be smooth. And the chest: chest hair is sexy, chest stubble is not….leave that taco meat alone.

    • bikerchick says:

      Sing it, sister! LMAO!!

    • Jeannette says:

      Fur collar. Lol.

    • Phil Jett says:

      My wife requires me to do it. At over 50 yrs old now…lots of grey wire hairs can lead to eye damage when she is doing the job down there. I don’t shave it clean (she is not into young boys) but I do keep it short. It also makes Mr. Johnson look ever so slightly longer and I will take any mm I can get.

  13. t-storm says:

    I bet no one would care. This sounds like a Nancy exercise. Did you see how they treated me???? Um he said have a nice day. But it was how he said it!
    Fuck that professor.

  14. Ruthless Dee says:

    Nothing like an undercarriage that is free of weeds.

  15. bikerchick says:

    I used to work at a spa doing facials, waxing, etc…. I was the only one who would do what I called “Sack-n-Crack” waxing on guys. Gay guys would come in to get they’re junk smooth and silky via waxing. They said doing it made it “look bigger”. Good tipper’s! I didn’t give a shit. They held and stretched their own skin. I told them where to pack it then I slathered on the hot wax with a stick and applied the muslin and yanked it off (the wax!). TaDa! One to two inches longer!

    • That is so funny!
      It goes hand-in-hand with men who grow beards to hide their weak chins, and men who wear platform shoes and drive big trucks.” Sorry about your penis bro!”

      • I just saw that bumper sticker just the other day: “Nice SUV. Sorry about your penis.” Well, it was new to me.
        .

  16. I prefer the look of lady parts that don’t look like little girl parts. Trimming never hurts, but leave at least *some* hair; the full baldini is off-putting. So is stubble.
    .

    • Phantom Railfan says:

      I’m with Chill, keep at least a little. I don’t want a woman looking like a six year old. I mean, seriously…

  17. I had a beau years ago who thought a shave was hot,
    and so to keep him satisfied I shaved my twat a lot.
    I dealt with rash and heat and itch, all so he could cum.
    Turns out he just liked little girls, fucking pedophilic scum.

    Yes I know it’s sophomoric but you get the point. The things we will do for love, Ugh… it’s enough to make one wretch! Any time a man says, “I like women who shave”, are really saying, “I prefer someone under the age of 12.”

    I now am the proud owner of a very well-kempt runway on Fantasy Island and have had no complaints . Touchdown is delightful and the say is pleasant. Those who land tend to stay long term and frequently return. Cocktails are served on board and it is strictly a first class operation.
    I went back to the bush when I dumped the tot -tickler, but went to the runway when it kept trying to escape from my bathing suit, (it had to be tamed!)
    As for men… eeew effing eeew! Shaving turns a perfectly good dick into a naked mole rat. Who wants to fuck a naked mole rat?
    The things we will do for sexual satisfaction.

    To quote one of my favorite authors,
    “Strictly speaking, there are no real substitutes for sexual satisfaction.”
    Dashiell Hammett

  18. I cant be the only person that has experienced the horrible feeling of a stray hair in the throat!

    • Aack Aack! Nothing like hacking up a pubis hairball.

      • Ack! I remember Bill the Cat.
        .

      • madz1962 says:

        or sometimes it takes an excrutiatingly long time to break free of your esophagus and it’s like you can feel the little hairy bastard waving around in your throat.

  19. My wife and I both keep things clean….or as I say “Smooth, neat, and ready to eat.” She is 40 and I am 39, and we both get waxed. Before waxing I had just used a trimmer then a razor to go full hairless. The feeling was AMAZING…skin to skin, so sensitive, WOW!! Then someone asked do I get waxed? What?! I am a 320 pound man, so I am lucky to get my wife to look at it or touch it. Come to find out the person asking me was a friends wife who happened to be a waxer/groomer and my wife mentioned to her I shave. She offered to give me a free pelting if I wanted to try it. HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS!!!! THE PAIN!!!!!! Then came the pleasure the next night with the wife. The waxing lasted a lot longer than the shaving, only required me to exfoliate for ingrown hairs and rub visine on the areas to help with ingrown hairs. Now I get it done every few months and the hair is a lot thinner down there.

    Now feel free to call me a poofter…but the wife loves it and shows her appreciation.

  20. Art Vandelay says:

    Jeff, your headline is a bit misleading. I was looking for another macaroni and beef story. A few hairy chicks or naked mole rats is nothing out of the ordinary out here in PDX.

    Hygiene is the key, either way. I went to a show a few months ago and the pit-funk was legendary. There’s a traveling band of militant lesbians (not that there’s anything wrong with that!) whose main failing was in the showering department. I’m not a fan of industrial chemicals, but for the love of all that’s right, would a little soap & water kill you? A very attractive and well groomed hottie nearby called them out. She just yelled “WTF is up with the pit stank?” and they all scattered.

    We get a lot of the hippy types out here (especially at the Grateful Dead tribute shows, ya think) but there are clean hippies and dirty hippies. I guess that’s why a lot of festivals are outside in the summer time.

  21. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilmer ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum — it’s breathtaking … I suggest you try it. -Dougie Powers, AKA Dr. Evil

    Best comments ever. Wow.

  22. I once shaved the pubes into the shape of a heart, per the request of my wife, for Valentine’s Day. That night I sat leaning over a pot of boiling water with a towel draped over my head because my sinuses were stuffed up. A bastard rang the doorbell and I jerked up, spilling the scalding hot water on my abdomen and heart headstoned cock. Needless to say I was horrified by the idea of going to the emergency room like that. So I looked up some YouTube videos and opted to smear the burns with toothpaste – which did miraculous wonders for the burns, by the way.

    Ladies, there is no excuse to have a sascrotch during this day and age. Clean it up. Thanks.

  23. Rachael Smith says:

    Its gotta be a generational thing. I’ve been bald eagle for as long as I can remember. I think I started shaving my pubes right along with my legs and pits at whatever age you start shaving. However, no woman has mentioned the point in your pregnancy when shaving blindly is flat out dangerous! I thought I would find my clit on the bottom of the tub! Ever since the baby has been born I’m a little lazier. I dont feel the need to be totally bare all the time. Plus, my skin is super sensitive. Razor burn and ingrown hairs are hell!! Men my age simply can not handle a bush…I blame it on porn…

    • I see pregnant women and some of them are hot. But I always think, “Yep, she has a chia pet down there.” And it ruins things for me.

      • Lew in Bama says:

        Not necessarily, if she has a husband willing to help her out. My husband will be the one managing my trimming needs once I get too big to see my toes.

  24. I see pregnant women and some of them are hot. But I always think, “Yep, she has a chia pet down there.” And it ruins things for me.

  25. This comment section makes me want to vomit.
    I’ll be back on Thursday.

  26. This thread is useless without pictures!

    (somebody had to say it…)
    (women only please)
    =-)

  27. This is only the third time I’ve revisited the comments more than two or three times.

    As a matter of fact, it’s the first time I’ve revisited the comments hourly. I’d also like photos. Can we enable that?

  28. How pathetic do your grades have to be to consider any part of this for “extra credit” ? I’d imagine a girl who would go her entire fours years of collage without shaving anywhere on her body, would earn enough “extra credit” to be Valedictorian.

    Also…There is no way I’m redecorating, renovating or any type of re-molding for the man down in the basement. To upgrade to a more modern surroundings makes no sense. There hasn’t been a stranger stop by for a visit in many years and I don’t see making any new friends in the near future to compliment my new decor.

    • johnthebasket says:

      dto…

      You never know when the Jehovah Witness folks or those LDS kids in white shirts on bikes might drop by. Or it could be the neighbor lady looking for a cup of sugar.

      However, I know what you mean about the distinct dearth of parties interested in real estate down under as one grows older.

      So I’ll let the kiddos worry about shaving policies. As for me, I grew a beard 45 years ago, and, except for color change from brown to salt’n’peppa to white, it’s still there. My own shaving policies change glacially.

      As for the extra credit for the ASU Gender Studies course, the credit is for journaling and writing about the experience — not for shaving or going without.

      I grow old … I grow old …
      I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

      Or, as Grandpa used to say, “There might be snow on the roof, but somebody stole my hard-on cream.”

      Regards,

      John

      • “As for the extra credit for the ASU Gender Studies course, the credit is for journaling and writing about the experience — not for shaving or going without.”….I read the article but thanks for helping just in case you think I missed something…and killing my efforts on an over-exaggeration type of joke/ humor. Glad to know we can always count on you jtb.

  29. johnthebasket says:

    I’ll freely admit I don’t quite understand the Wednesday Name Game, but until I fully grasp it, I’m hoping against hope that the next name is Carmelita.

    jtb

  30. clay pigeon says:

    If i don’t shave the armpits, a nuclear grade stench is set loose for the fellow mouth breathers.
    I am not aware of any thermonuclear grade deodorant products offered my right guard or old spice.

  31. I shaved my pits for years, first because I swam a lot, and I kept getting knots in my pit hair… but I kept on doing it afterwards… because I liked it! I recently stopped though, and it seems wierd!

    I haven’t tried shaving the nether regions yet, except to have a vasectomy.

  32. I had to be shaved back in 70s before the birth of my children. There is no way I would do that for any reason. I am with Heidi. Any man who wants pubic area smooth just likes little girls….ewww. Hair on a man, lots of hair on back, arms, knuckles turns me on I like a hairy man. If he shaved below, I would back away and not be turned on at all.
    Hair is a political, sexual, and religious sign.

    I would have not shaved for a semester for an extra 10 points. Was that on the final grade? However, since I made As mostly in gender studies classes, it would have been overkill. If the class were taken in the winter, hairiness would not be on display for the world. I am conflicted in my opinion and what I know I should feel and think. I don’t like to see hair under a female’s armpits. But, I don’t know why? I suppose it is because I have bought into gender norms of the last less than one hundred years. My mother and no one she knew shaved under their arms. She went into the Army (WAC) during WWII and started shaving her armpits.

  33. dark knight says:

    I think a hairy bush is very sexy, i want to be with a woman not a little girl, women i say leave it alone. If god wanted you bald he would have made you that way, again let it grow let it grow leave it alone…