To Close Out the Week: A Thrilling Assventure!

idiocracyAfter I finished showering a few days ago, I saw there was nothing hanging on the towel rack. So I took the Lord’s name in vain, stepped one foot onto the rug, and bent down to grab a clean towel from underneath the sink. And I felt something weird happening in the butt region.

Alarmed, I stood up, which only made matters worse. For a split second I couldn’t figure out what was happening, and was beset by panic and confusion. I don’t like it when I can’t get a good read on what’s going on with my ass.

Turns out, the cold, wet edge of the shower curtain was in my crack. Like an ATM card being swiped. And when I went bolt upright there was a clenching action, and I nearly pulled down the entire curtain/rod assembly.

The rod was in a state of distress, and made a noise like it was about to give way. But I couldn’t instantly separate myself from the curtain — it was in there pretty deep, and I found out how difficult it is to reverse an ass-clamping; once one has been activated, it’s not an easy thing to undo.

All this happened in a second or two… But I raised my butt a bit, to relieve the tension on the rod, and tried to shake the curtain loose. So, my ass was in the air, and I was wagging it like a dancer on Soul Train. But it wouldn’t release. My butt was like a cocker spaniel playing tug-of-war with a tube sock.

I had to physically reach my hands back there, and part the cheeks. But the curtain STILL wasn’t finished with me. It was now suctioned to one wall of the canyon. Good god! Have you ever experienced the sensation of clammy wet vinyl fused to a crack wall? It’s disconcerting, to say the least.

But I was now able to pull away, and the episode was finally brought to an end. And aren’t you guys glad you’re subscribed to the mailing list? Ha!

Before I call it a week here I want to invite you — once again — to LIKE the new Facebook page. So far I’ve just been using it to post Further Evidence-style photos and links I’ve discovered while trolling for filth on the internet. But I have some plans to do other things there, as well. So, don’t miss out. LIKE it today, right now, before you get distracted and start thinking about pasta and Netflix.

I don’t really have a question for you guys, so I’ll just ask about your plans for the weekend.

I’m going to work in the yard on Sunday, and try to bring it up to code. The bushes need trimmed, and that sort of thing. My nipples are exploding with delight… What about you? Any big plans?

Have a great day, my friends!

I’ll see you again on Monday.

It’s the weekend: buy Jeff a beer!

Comments

  1. The Mole says:

    Well done Mr. Kay.

  2. Thanks Jeff. This posts reminds me of when your site used to make me cry from laughing while sitting at my desk at work on a pretty regular basis. Keep it up.

  3. Big Bear in OH says:

    My weekend will consist of 3 12 hour shifts in a 911 dispatch center, interspersed with small amounts of sleep and yardwork…followed up by another 12 hour shift at the 911 dispatch center. So pretty much, work, sleep, repeat. Hopefully everyone else is going to have a decent weekend!

    • Phil Jett says:

      Also working 12 hour shifts this weekend. Friday thru Monday night. With drive time and turnovers not much time left to get shit done.

  4. What Bones said!!!

    The old Jeff is back, quiet weekend planned here in London, but wife insists on visiting Costco tomorrow 🙁

  5. kristin says:

    Happy Jesus I just laughed out loud with coughing and tears. Thanks, I needed that bad.

  6. boattripper says:

    Good show Jeff! Glad to hear the sticky situation worked itself out

  7. Suppressing the laughter at my desk was quite a challenge.

    This Saturday involves attending a baby shower, going to my annual neighborhood party (which will be a stop-by-and-wave situation), and a biker bar gig with my band. On Sunday I could do a 5K with my dog but I doubt I’ll feel like it, but I’ll definitely be going to a book club meetup at a winery and later out to dinner with friends followed by watching Game of Thrones.

  8. Sorry you were attacked by your shower curtain. I’m hoping you won’t need years of counseling! 😉 Seriously, funny update, thanks for the Friday laugh.

    This weekend will be the husband and I playing as partners in a golf tournament. Monday may feature a visit to a divorce lawyer. LOL!

    Have a great weekend!

  9. Brenda Love says:

    Where’s a bathroom cam when you need one?

  10. As predicted: two people have unsubscribed so far. Heh.

    • squawvalleyskip says:

      That made me laugh almost as much as the update. Figures. Some peoples’ kids just weren’t right.

      • madz1962 says:

        ME TOO! This bathroom episode was frickin’ hilarious. What poofter doesn’t find this shit funny?

    • Bill in WV says:

      Weedin’ out the ‘tards buddy. Good work!!

    • stratboy says:

      Nice. Sign up for “maturity is for suckers” and bail at the first good ass-crack story. Makes no sense to me. Shower curtain in the ass is just plain funny. If your story had involved inserting household items up you ass for sport, then I would understand the unsubscribers…

    • Was one of them your home decorator – because that I could understand.

    • Ha! Clearly they don’t appreciate a fine tale told by a master!

  11. madz1962 says:

    I was supposed to be off today but that got shit canned. Tomorrow, I am gluing myself to the Belmont Stakes in the hopes to see history being made with a new Triple Crown winner. Sunday, I’m driving to Rhode Island to look at 3 or 4 houses and some vacant lots. In between I have to tackle a mountain of laundry and vacuum the human hair rugs up off the floor. Tonight I think I’ll drink to excess because my job right now is so bat shit crazy and I feel I’m the only sane one making all the decisions. Because, you know, I’m a low level secretary dealing with 17 over paid lawyers… They’re all involved with a negotitation that’s making them travel all over and the other secreraries involved are as useless as foreskin flaps.

  12. Phantom Railfan says:

    This weekend was supposed to consist of driving and escorting my elderly father to three seasonal social obligations (read: graduation parties) involving people I generally detest and/or barely know. But he decided this morning he wasn’t going to go to any of them, saying “One of the great things about being as old as I am is you can skip shit like this and nobody will say anything.” So I’ve made arrangements to have a long-deferred day of hanging out with a friend I haven’t seen face-to-face in several years. Should be fun…

  13. Wainscoting a bathroom wall or two, wanna help? On the other hand, maybe I should keep you out of the bathroom. Don’t want my vinyl shower curtain to start taking a shine to your posterior.

  14. t-storm says:

    Pussies.
    This weekend my parents are driving up to meet their grand daughter (21 days today). So we will grill out and such. Today I spent all day moving a dresser to the basement and another dresser up fron the basement. Mowed the lawn. Possibly go to the strawberry festival sunday.
    Currently drinking a pbr.

  15. Jeanne White says:

    Unsubscribed??! OMIGOD. If I hadn’t already been subscribed, I would have subscribed. My ribs hurt, my cheeks hurt, and I got tears all over my keyboard. I will never, ever get that visual out of my head.

  16. Lew in Bama says:

    Great update!!! Thanks for the laugh, my coworkers are now looking at me funny.
    This weekend is my 20yr high school reunion. I don’t feel nearly old enough, or mature enough, to be celebrating such an expense of time as an “adult”.
    We will be grilling out on the trash can this evening, (Po’Man Grill, look it up, best meats we’ve ever eaten have come off that thing).
    Saturday is the Class Picnic at the local state park, followed up by a Saturday evening reception at the museum.
    I suspect this one will be a bit more low key than our 10 yr was. I highly doubt any after parties occur, and if they do, we certainly don’t plan on going.

  17. wvwoody says:

    Funny, good stuff here.

  18. squawvalleyskip says:

    Friday night at 11 is actually the start of my week. But I took tonight off to go watch my granddaughter graduate from high school. This morning Mrs. SVS and I acid etched the concrete part of the garage/shop floor in preparation fro epoxy coating next weekend. Grey then a clear coat, then I’m finally done with a building project that began in 2005. The graduating grandkid and her little sister’s tiny little handprints are still in a slab poured at the time this project began. On a side note, it seems like last month the baby was throwing her toys on the ground while I held her, only to laugh like a three month old maniac when I bent over to hold her down to pick them up. Yeah, she got granddad trained early.

  19. bikerchick says:

    I have a pulled intercostal muscle. I laughed til I cried over your shower curtain ordeal. Still. In. Pain. Funniest thing I’ve read in a looooong time!!

    And those people who “unsubscribed” have more than a shower curtain stuck in their ass.

    Going on a charity bike run Saturday. Leaving from the Kosbar Ranch at noon if anyone is local in the ‘Burg and interested. Six bands during the course of the day/night…huge Chinese auction, food and fun.

  20. Theresa says:

    OMG I am dying laughing right now! I was having a shitty day after driving home from work and having some asshole fully cut in front of me to make a right turn forcing me to fully slam on the brakes stopping one second short of smashing into him. Thank you for making me laugh Jeff, this update is hilarious!

  21. CJ in CA says:

    OMG that was the funniest update in a while…sitting at work and laughing out loud made for suspicious co-workers.

  22. Unsubscribed over that…good riddens . Got have a sense of humor around this place, that’s why we subscribed in the first place. This made me laugh heartily!! I have had wet vinyl shower curtain plastered to my ass cheek! I hate that feeling. Not an accident or anything fun in the tub with the hubs…the damn thing just stuck to me! Weekend plans, movies, dinner, graduation party, birthday party!

  23. Fly by 24 hour visit from my son who is in college. Just wait. It’ll happen to you, too.

  24. I seriously almost pissed myself…again. Well done Jeff!

  25. lakrfool says:

    Nice.

    Talk about taking a bow for a curtain call…yeesh.

  26. lori in cbus says:

    i think i just peed a little from laughing..im glad my boss cant see me.. jeff, i love this stuff

  27. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in AGES. Thank you, sir!

  28. Laughing out loud at my desk at work – people are giving me the “he’s finally lost it” look.

    Hilarious post! Let the unenlightened unsubscribe. Clearly maturity really is for suckers…

  29. SaucyDeb says:

    Nice one, Jeff. Glad you didn’t get fully cornholed.

    I was laughing out loud and my 13 year old son asked me what was so funny. I read it aloud to him. He gave me “the look”. “So, a shower curtain up some guy’s butt is funny? Is there a meme or something?” I think I’ve failed as a mother.

  30. Ron in PA says:

    Good Chuckle at the end of a long work week. Pocono Raceway!! Got Hot Passes and Suite tickets, Beeeotchas!!!!

  31. Fat Dave says:

    That’s nothing. Wait until you close your hairy, saggy man-tit in your laptop. I will never read FB without a shirt on again. My wife was a witness, and she never fails to remind me of my superhero name, Macmanboob.

    Tonight will consist of the annual viewing of “The Longest Day” and adult beverages. Tomorrow, the wife has me working a truck for the neighborhood clean-up. And Sunday will be spent drinking beer and grilling out at the pool.

    • madz1962 says:

      man-tit in a laptop sounds damn painful but I have to admit, I busted out laughing after reading your post!

  32. t-storm says:

    I get it. You guys have jobs. Rub it in.

  33. Fantastic! Bravo! Just what I needed on a fucked up Friday afternoon. And JK thought he’d get unsubscribers by telling this tale of ass-crackery tomfoolery?
    Nonsense!
    I, for one, good sir, give you a slow standing ovation.

  34. Oh, and weekends consist of the same old, same old: work on Saturdays until 3 o’clock and then go home and proceed to drink my face off until Monday morning.

  35. Keith in Austin says:

    Been a while since I’ve posted to the comments, but this update was funny stuff. It had me grinning like a retard with a pocket full of apples.

  36. This kind of post reminds me, once again, just how much I’ve missed the “old Jeff”. Be sure and check your crack for any stray pieces of vinyl…I have a feeling a few remain in the area and will give you a rash like you’ve never had before. I’ve never had a butt crack incident like this but I have ripped the shower curtain (rod and all) down. Old people grab at ANYTHING to prevent a fall that might break a hip.

    Took care of my Costco run this afternoon and plan on sitting on my ass the remainder of the weekend. I was deeply dismayed at the price increases in the food items. Pass the beer nuts as that may be soon all I’ll be eating….

  37. aminnev says:

    Seriously, I thought I only had to worry about big hairy spiders suddenly appearing in the shower . . . now the curtains get involved.

    Thanks for the laughter and the tears, Mr. Kay.

  38. I went to work one day not that long ago and I felt something in my underwear or panties (which i haven’t wore for 20 yrs) it started to bug me so I reached back and pulled out a sock that was clenched in my crack, the last time my ass was firm enough to hold anything was 20 yrs ago,,,so I was rather pleased. Thanks Jeff I enjoy you.

  39. johnthebasket says:

    Jeff…

    I might be your only long-time reader who is not on Facebook. I don’t mock FB, I don’t think FB is evil, and I don’t think it’s a Republican plot to get inside dope on the American consumer (OK, I think that a little bit). I just don’t FB. So the best I can do is bring up your FB page, get my face really close to the screen, and say, with conviction, “Like”. I’ll do that right now.

    Thanks for the update.

    Love,

    John

  40. John in the gump says:

    Awesome update. Always funny when someone is violated by a household item. Thank heavens I’ve got a glass door on my shower but I will be keeping a eye on that bastard.

  41. This is the first time posting to this blog sober, but that shit was funny. Especially the part “…ass was in the air, and I was wagging it like a dancer on Soul Train.”
    Thanks for making me laugh Jeff.

  42. Damn that was good. I needed that Jeff. Good to see you back in good form.

  43. Lucie in Tampa says:

    I am laughing, my sides hurt!!! This is the the kind of reporting that made me a fan so very many years ago!!!!! I will miss being a “surf reporter” Totally excited for more to come here!!!

  44. CardMagik says:

    Wait – you can unsubscribe? I was wondering why I’ve been getting these updates all these years! Where’s that button?

    Just kidding – wouldn’t unsubscribe for the world – this was hysterical and I loved it. Now if I could only figure out how to RSS this to my Yahoo page so I don’t have to fight through email morass!

    Morass – what people get when they eat too much fast food – just another way how definitions of words can change – really, who uses morass in a sentence nowadays anyways? I’m going to try using it at work and see what kind of glances I get! Gotta do a presentation in 2 weeks and that will be a perfect time to spring in on some unsuspecting masses – should be fun

  45. Well I never!!! If I wasn’t laughing so damn hard, I would unsubscribe immediately!! Ass in the air wagging like a Soul Train dancer is definitely one if the funniest things I’ve read in a while!
    This weekend I am apartment hunting in LA then flying back to Chicago to quit my job….with gusto!

  46. That was so hilarious that I was giggling, cackling so loud that my neighbors can probably hear me. They know I live alone. I took a long time to read it because tears were blinding me. Now, my abs are hurting me. I am about to pee in my pants. Hairy man tits was funny, too. I have a claw foot tub, so I won’t have to be leery of a shower curtain. I just knew there was a reason I did not like showers! Whew, still out of breath and aching in the midsection. Could I build abs laughing that hard?

  47. Aside from the troubling mental imagery, I celebrate what you have written here as a statement against fuddy duddyism. If they unsubscribe, so be it! Also – very funny.

    Next week my brother, my mother, and my Mitch all have birthdays so this weekend I have been birthday gift shopping. I started yesterday and have more to do. I am filled with a mixture of glee, dread, resistance, uncertainty, and reluctant satisfaction when shopping for others so I suppose that qualifies as an emotional adventure, of sorts.

  48. Phil Jett says:

    This is why I don’t have shower curtains in any of our showers at home. Hated being attacked by the curtain over the years. Out master is all glass and I installed a glass slider on the second tub. Also hated cleaning the mold that always eventually ended up on the bottom of the curtain.

  49. This is why you’re my leader. Funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

  50. You must have a canyon like crack.

  51. Laserboy says:

    J.K.
    You really crack me up!

  52. Hilarious and relatable.

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