I watch very little television, not because I’m a high-horse blowhard with an axe to grind, but because I don’t have enough time. I work at night, and have other things going on during the day. I listen to a lot of music and podcasts, but never turn on the TV. At this point it doesn’t even occur to me. I like it OK, there’s just not enough room in my life.
But… on the weekends, when Toney is around, the TV is on. We’re usually not watching it closely, but it’s on in the background, and we kinda dip in and out.
And somehow, through the years, I’ve watched many, many hours of House Hunters. Also Property Brothers, Love It or List It, Pawn Stars, and American Pickers. Those shows have been the audio/video wallpaper of my weekends, for the past several years. And I’m not complaining; I enjoy them all.
Yeah, I enjoy ‘em, but they also annoy me to a certain extent. Especially House Hunters. It might be my favorite of the bunch, and also the one that causes me the most aggravation. Rarely do I make it through the first five minutes of an episode before I start berating one or both of the home buyers, and releasing another load of exasperation-fueled profanity into the universe.
Oh, that show hurts so good…
And since we have a big honking super-sized weekend coming up, I thought I’d take this opportunity to attempt to itemize the things that rub me the wrong way about House Hunters, and the people who appear on it. I’ll undoubtedly miss a few, and you guys can take up my slack in the comments. How’s that sound? Good. Let’s do it.
People with an impossible amount of money
I don’t understand it. The narrator always says things like, “He’s a crossing guard, and she works part-time in a bait and tackle shop. They have a budget of $700,000.” What?!
Or it’s some 30 year old dude in the Army looking to buy a million-dollar vacation home on the ocean. Or a pair of customer service reps who want to simplify their lives by leaving their jobs and purchasing an estate in Costa Rica.
It’s baffling, and a little disheartening. Is it too late for me to climb aboard the crossing guard gravy train? Holy shitballs! I must be the biggest sucker in the world.
Buyers who use real estate agent lingo
It bothers me when people who haven’t earned it attempt to align themselves with the pros. It’s like when there’s a new-hire at work, and they immediately start acting like one of the gang. This is a process, asshole.
But the buyers on House Hunters regularly call the backyard “green space,” and speak of their love of the “open concept.” It makes me frown, as well as furrow my brow. Oftentimes simultaneously.
Ludicrous bathroom and kitchen scenes
To illustrate the cramped spaces the couple is enduring at their current home, they’re usually shown in the bathroom or kitchen at the same time – bumping into each other, and getting annoyed.
However… It’s not too difficult to take care of that stuff one person at a time. It’s NEVER necessary to brush your teeth over the shoulder of your wife, who is putting on makeup, and both of you constantly in motion for reasons unknown. For the love of God, stand still!
Until I was in fifth grade we lived in a house with one bathroom – for four of us – and it worked OK. Sure, sometimes one of us would have to run outside and pee on the neighbors’ car door, but that was rare. I can never remember my mom and dad in the bathroom jockeying for position in front of the mirror, dancing around and flailing their arms.
Men who think they’re cute
You know what I’m talking about… the whistledicks who go on and on about their future “man cave,” where they’ll have a “flat screen,” and watch “the game.” Just “the game.” It never gets any more specific.
Or there’s a slight variation: the dude who mentions in every scene that he wants a three-car garage, because he likes to work on his cars or motorcycles. We got it, fuckface. There’s no need to say it seven times.
Also: the guy who stretches out in a bathtub, during a home tour, with a self-satisfied smirk on his face. God, how I hate the bathtub stretchers.
Women who think they’re cute
“Wow, look at the size of this walk-in closet. My clothes will definitely fit in here. But where are you going to put your stuff, honey?” Hilarious! Not to mention original. Richard Pryor himself must be smiling in heaven over that perfectly rendered gutbuster.
Or the women who have some “thing” they keep bringing up, like their deep hatred of carpet. You need to give it a rest, sister. It stopped being cute and adorable, this pretending to be repulsed by Berber, a long time ago. It’s been noted that you hate carpet. And how delightfully quirky!
People who can’t get past simple cosmetics
Um, they have this stuff called paint. It’s not very expensive, and it’ll – get this! – change the color of the walls. It’s fantastic! You should really check into it.
It’s amazing how so many people on the show apparently can’t conceive of painting, having vinyl floors replaced, or new light fixtures installed. I watch these dumbasses get all hung up on stuff that doesn’t matter, and it makes me crazy.
Hell, if they don’t want to do it themselves, they can just hire an alcoholic out of the Penny Saver, like we do. Team Alcoholic might be a bit unreliable at times, but they’ll eventually get it done. They’re good people.
23 year olds who demand perfection
Gourmet kitchen… three-car garage… more toilets than asses… I grind my molars as I watch people who were born after Nirvana, expecting a sprawling home absolutely free of flaws.
Especially when they say things like “But I can see the tip of the neighbor’s roof through the dining room window.” Wow. Please accept our apologies, your highness.
For the record, when I was 23 I had a beanbag chair in the living room of my shitty apartment, along with a couch that somebody had put out for the trash men, and a 19-inch TV sitting on top of two cinderblocks.
Couples watching each other talk
This one’s a bit off-the-wall, I admit. But it bugs me. On the show they have these little interview segments with the couples, and while one is talking – straight into the camera – the other is turned and watching them speak. Every time, almost without exception.
In real life people don’t act that way. It must be something the producers tell them to do. In reality both would be staring straight ahead. Neither would be ratcheted sideways, watching their spouse’s mouth move. It’s weird, man. I don’t care for it. If somebody did that to me, I wouldn’t be able to refrain from saying “What’s your problem, freak?”
Inordinate amount of fruit-chopping and ball-kicking
During the “three weeks later” (or whatever) follow-up, at the end of every episode, at least one adult is shown chopping fruit. And if there are kids involved, or a dog, the whole family is featured kicking a ball around in the backyard. Or, um, green space. You can bet that once the cameras are packed away, that ball will never again see the light of day. Oh well.
Also, if the couple is young and with-it, the final scene is them having drinks with a bunch of friends, often outdoors. I suspect the “friends” are members of the production crew, or people they yanked in off the street. But that’s only speculation.
What did I miss? What other things bug you about House Hunters? Please tell us about it in the comments section below.
And I hope you guys have a great holiday.
I’ll see you again on Monday!
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