The Rejected Seinfeld Script, and Some Questionable Brady Ideas

seinfeldAccording to this article, there was a script written for Seinfeld, during the early days of the show, in which Elaine contemplated buying a gun for protection. But the cast and crew supposedly balked at the idea, and “refused” to work on it. Refused? If that part’s true, it’s pretty ballsy for a bunch of people just eight episodes into a network TV show. Especially one that wasn’t doing so well in the ratings. Ya know?

In any case, I kind of agree with them. It doesn’t seem right. They certainly pushed the envelope with that show, but Elaine buying a gun and joking about doing “The Kennedy” feels a little tone-deaf to me. It’s not authentic; it doesn’t feel like Elaine.

It got me to thinking, though… Wonder what script ideas were rejected by other successful sitcoms? I could probably do some research on it, and come up with a few tidbits o’ information. But that would require too much work. I’d rather just write my own, and turn it over to you guys, to do the same.

And so, today let’s tackle The Brady Bunch. If all goes well… we can do other shows in the future. How’s that sound? Good, let’s get started!

Brady-Bunch-Grid

Here are some of my rejected Brady script ideas:

  • Greg and Marcia are repeatedly caught making out, which horrifies their parents. But they defend themselves by reminding everyone they’re not REALLY brother and sister. “And he’s HOT!” Marcia adds. To lighten the mood a bit, there’s a lengthy scene in which Greg struggles to unclasp Marcia’s bra. Exasperated, he finally says, “It would be easier to get into Fort Knox!” Followed by uproarious canned laughter.
  • When a black family moves into the neighborhood Mr. and Mrs. Brady exchange looks of concern, but stay silent on the matter. However, when Peter takes a liking to the oldest daughter, Quintabitha, they know they must act.
  • Jan falls in with the wrong crowd at school, and begins breaking into houses. After their fence, Bumpy, is unexpectedly arrested and sent to federal prison, they’re stuck with all the loot. So, Jan hides the stuff she and her friends have stolen in the garage, and all around the house. There are hilarious scenes in which Jan runs around frantically, trying to keep people from noticing.
  • Cindy becomes despondent because she’s almost 14 years old, and hasn’t yet “sprung a pube.” Everybody tries to console her, including Bobby. But he makes a tactical error and mentions that he only got pubic hair six months prior, which sends her spiraling once again. Mr. Brady calls in a favor, and ex-Dodger great Gil Hodges swings by the house, and assures Cindy that he didn’t get pubes until he was nearly 15.
  • Because of a mix-up at a lab, Alice is informed she has advanced cancer of the anus, with only a few months to live. She takes the opportunity to tell each of the Bradys exactly how she feels about them, and it’s not pretty. She calls Mrs. Brady, for example, “a classic cunt.” After she finds out about the mistake, and that she actually possesses “the anus of a high school junior,” she has plenty of egg on her face.
  • In the final episode of a season, the beloved Brady home burns to the ground, due to faulty wiring, and Bobby is lost to smoke inhalation.

Let’s keep it going! Please post your rejected Brady Bunch script ideas in the comments section.

And I’ll see you guys again next time.

Have a great day!

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Comments

  1. Steve in WV says:

    Quintabitha. Heh!

  2. Mr. Brady comes home early from work one day unexpectedly. Mrs. Brady has to find a way to hide Alice, who was ‘helping’ her in the bedroom, while Mr. Brady changes into his cardigan and sneakers. Alice, who is under the bed, is allergic to dust. Hilarity ensures.

  3. Bill in WV says:

    Tiger is shown for 15 of the 24 minutes of run time, hammering the next-door poodle on it’s home turf. Production costs are minimal.

  4. Peter, in the midst of squeaking and squealing “When it’s time to change! You’ve got to rearrange! Sha na na na na na na na na na…” bursts into tears and tells his anxious family that Mr. Milton, his math teacher, wanted Peter to handle his special slide ruler. Especially endearing when Cindy wants to know “Whaths a thlide ruler?”

    ******
    Alice has to summon up the courage to tell Sam that he’s no longer her prime sirloin steak. If she don’t see a ring, he don’t get a thing. Especially endearing when Cindy wants to know “Whaths a thirloin thteak?

  5. There’s some pretty hot fan fiction out there about Mrs. Brady getting triple teamed by the boys.

  6. While Greg is setting up his own room above the garage he finds a second bathroom connected to the parents’ room and an old box filled with Peter’s old empty model glue containers. Come to find out, Mr. Brady can’t stand the vaginal stench of Mrs. Brady; and Mrs. Brady is disgusted by the abuse scars Mr. Brady’s dad gave him when he was a child. The parents sit the kids down for a serious discussion about how they find their spouse’s body horrific. They continue to each use their own bathroom while the kids have to share. Alice is caught bathing in the kitchen sink.
    —–
    In order to fulfill the weekly order of 30 pounds of ground round, Sam has been selling the Brady family human meat recently procured from new graves. He is discovered when Bobby breaks in to rob the joint in order to pay his newspaper overlord for all the missing subscription fees (which, incidentally, we find out that Bobby caught Jan stealing). Bobby weighs the pros and cons of turning Sam in. When he does, Sam is arrested and Bobby is grounded for the weekend for “breaking and tattling”. Alice ends the episode with the line “I didn’t think it was so bad, but then again I always did like Sam’s meat.”
    —–
    Cindy discovers an affinity for watching people when they are unaware of her presence. She is “athtonithed” to find out that that Alice frequently urinates in the family dinner and that Jan huffs glue. Cindy is afraid and stays silent of both matters.
    —–
    Jan’s glue problem comes to a head when Peter can’t finish his model for a “Build Your Favorite War Vehicle of Death” competition. When Mr. Brady buys him a whole new pack of glue and it goes missing within the day, Peter is accused of nefarious deeds. While playing outside Cindy and Bobby find out that they each know it is actually Jan taking the glue. The two youngest kids decide to stand up for Peter and have the family conduct a house wide search for the glue. Jan can’t move the evidence from its temporary storage to the attic because she is passed out in the lawn-broom shed. The family eventually finds several dozen empty tubes and jars of glue stuffed in Jan’s pillow. The family talks about the dangers about drug use and addiction to close out the episode. However, Jan gets off easy since her punishment is that she can’t go in the shed or attic anymore which means she doesn’t have to take a turn sweeping the turf lawn.

  7. Mike, who sleeps like a log, has been experiencing severe “gastro-intestinal problems,” forcing Carol to get out of bed and bunk with the girls. Despite Carol trying to be quiet, Marcia hears her one night and tells the girls, who tell the boys, and all believe there’s trouble in paradise and begin to worry. The boys, not wanting to break in a 3rd mom, decide to take things into their own hands and browbeat Mike to take them camping to talk some sense into him. When Mike’s flatulence in the tent causes Bobby to choke, the boys put two and two together and all have a good laugh.

  8. Cousin Oliver lands in hot water when he builds a tree house . Mike is hurt that Oliver didn’t consult him for architectural advice and the kids are angry that they can’t have access. When Alice goes to bring Oliver one of he famous peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, she’s amused, then horrified to find a meth lab in the tree house. (2 parter)

  9. Oh shit. Rip robin Williams.

  10. revashane says:

    Am I the only one who loved the Brady Bunch movies? Like the stories above they were hilarious ( I think Madz worked on the scripts). Gary Cole can play anything; The Devil, Mr. Brady to Harvey Birdman.

    • In the first Brady movie, didn’t Jan have a ‘special” friend? Or was it Marcia? I’ll have to check it out again.

    • Jazzbone Swirly says:

      I just saw the Very Brady Sequel over the weekend. Definitely enjoyable stuff.

  11. Bill in WV says:

    Cousin Oliver was brought in later in the series because Mike needed new meat.

  12. The episode titled, “Alice Doesn’t Live Here Any More”, was pitched but rejected. Alice brought the family together to reveal who she really is (told in flashback scene fashion). At one time her name was Alvin Bleen, a Petty Officer in the Merchant Marines. For over twenty-three years, on the ship he called home, Alvin was on the receiving end of a cruel running joke from everyone that served duty on that ship. At every chance, when Alvin wasn’t looking, the men would spike his food or drinks with small amounts of gender altering hormones. One day, after over twenty years of these doses, Alvin became aware he now resembled a woman. He immediately retired from the Merchant Marines and now living only on his pension, he became homeless an depressed, spending his days in laundromats. He often attempted suicide by climbing into the dryers of unsuspecting patrons, waiting for them to do a restart and thereby tumble to his death on the fluff cycle. Alvin met Mrs. Brady when Mrs. Brady attempted to climb into the same dryer Alvin was in.
    Unfortunately, the writer pitched this as a teaser for part two when Mrs. Brady would reveal why she too had sought out a death by dryer. (Peter had become possessed by a 17th century Franciscan priest. Dressing himself in a long black robe and a large straw sombrero, he constantly muttered something about someone burning down the mission This is just one reason). We find out how Alvin kept his secret by saying his name was Alice and ended up living with the Bradys and we find out why Mr. Brady was so devoted to helping Marcia realize her dream of becoming a world class contortionist.

  13. Let’s not forget the guest star series:

    Joe Namath spikes Bobby right into the astro turf. Just because he can.

    Davey Jones demands a hand job from Marcia. Just because he can.

    Vincent Price bitch slaps Jan. Just because he can.

  14. johnthebasket says:

    I do not know which to prefer,
    The beauty of inflections
    Or the beauty of innuendoes,
    Finding the name game absent
    Or just after.

    jtb

  15. Mr. Brady propositions Alice, but when she’s cool to him he beats her to death with a claw hammer, Ron Popeil is seen lurking in the background, wearing a crimson leisure suit, and nodding in approval.

  16. Bill in WV says:

    Greg gets sent to ‘Nam right out of high school and comes home a short time later with nothing but stumps. Hilarity ensues.