Before we get started, I have something semi-related to get off my chest. It’s 2014, nearly 2015, and I still hear people make reference to this old TV commercial. A tip: if you jokingly add the phrase “but I play one on TV” to the end of a sentence and expect laughter, you’re going to be disappointed. Nobody knows what the fuck you’re talking about. Plus, you’re extremely old, and not very clever. Jesus J. McChrist.
In any case… Today I thought we’d talk about the memorable doctors we have known. The really good ones, the bad ones, the ones who should probably be locked up in an asylum somewhere… Whatever ya got. I don’t visit doctors very often, on account of being terrified of all things medical, but even I have a few tales to tell. Once I’m finished, I hope you guys will take it from there. Lets’ get started, shall we?
In California I came down with an illness that made me start to wonder if I might die. Twice during my life I’ve felt that way, and the other time was in Atlanta, with the flu. The real flu, not that catch-all bullshit “flu” people talk about all the time. You know, they get an upset stomach, or a cold, or whatever, and call it flu? That annoys me. Once you’ve had the real thing, and moved toward the light, people can take their fake flu and ram it deep and on a slant.
The California sickness was almost as bad, so I finally went to a doctor. And the guy gave me a whole raft of shit. He was young, and Indian or somesuch. He told me I had a bad case of bronchitis, nearly severe enough to warrant a hospital stay. I don’t know if he was having a bad day, or what, but he then went off on a lengthy rant about people who only see their doctors when something is wrong. He said he didn’t know me, had never laid eyes on me, yet here I was… asking for his help.
On and on it went; the dude was genuinely pissed. I was too weak to argue, and just sat there taking it. Finally he wrote me a prescription, and I shuffled to my car with it. And I never saw the asshole again. He’s probably out there hollering at some super-sick person right now. Sheesh. Calm your ass down, Rakesh.
Our younger boy was born in California, a planned Cesarean. Social pressure caused me to be inside the delivery room, but I wasn’t happy about it. There were two doctors there, doing stuff behind a small blue curtain, and I was standing up near Toney’s face, trying not to pass out.
And while they worked, those two planned a day of golf together. “I’ll call and see if we can get a 7 a.m. tee-time,” the first one said. “Sounds good,” the second one answered. “It’s been a few weeks since I’ve been out. I could use it.” WTF?? I wanted to shout, “FOCUS!! I know this is just another day at the office for you guys, but it’s mighty important to us.” The whole thing reminded me of this Replacements song.
Once the younger hooligan was extracted, and Saturday was planned, one of the docs asked if I wanted to cut the cord.
“I’ll pass,” I told him.
“Aww, don’t be such a pussy,” he responded.
A pussy?! Wow. That one caught me off-guard. I mean, what the hell? The source… the setting… I could’ve never predicted such a thing. But it did the trick, and I cut the freaking cord. And it was horrifying: like sawing through a piece of raw steak with scissors. …Dammit! I just had a full-body shiver.
My eye doctor in California was memorable, as well. He was in Burbank, right down the street from Warner Bros. Studios. He always greeted me with something along the lines of, “Hey, man!” or “‘Sup, dude?” Weird. I appreciated his attempt at casualness, but think it went a bit too far.
And while he had that big apparatus up to my face, spinning lenses and whatnot, he would say, “How’s that? Shitty? Is this one any better? This one? Better, or shitty? Shitty? This one’s better, right? But this one’s shitty?” During each examination he must’ve said the word “shitty” 25 times. And he was a doctor!
A good one, though. I have some eye problems, and he really took care of me. After I moved here, the local eye doctor asked who made my gas-permeable contact lenses. I told him, and he said, “They’re the best I’ve ever seen, an absolute perfect fit.” So, there you go. As it turns out, the man was far from shitty.
Now it’s your turn. In the comments section, please tell us about the memorable doctors you have known.
And I’ll see you guys again soon.
Have a great day!
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