I know many of you aren’t as old as I am. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m generally the oldest bastard at any gathering now. I don’t like it, but live with it; the alternatives aren’t all that appealing to me. However, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that all of you are getting older. I know it’s a bold statement, but I’m standing behind it.
And today I’d like to know if you’ve noticed anything happening. You know, with your body, or what you can and can’t eat, or anything else to do with aging. I’ll tell you about the stuff I’ve noticed, and you folks can take it from there.
My knees are no longer reliable agents
I’m sure this has more to do with the excess load I’ve put on my skeleton than getting older, but my knees are a little questionable. They don’t hurt, but squatting or kneeling is something I try to avoid.
You know, because I can’t get back up… I basically have to put the heel of one of my hands on some surface, and use one or both of my arms to take the pressure off my knees. It’s an old man redistribution scheme: spread the pressure around, so the knees don’t have to handle it all themselves.
And if there’s no surface with which to redistribute… it’ll be quite a scene. There will be stops and starts, a great deal of grimacing, and possibly a full collapse followed by a turtle-on-its-back floor wallow.
I’m glad they don’t hurt, but they’re not what they used to be. There’s definitely been some degradation in the knee department through the years.
My hair gets grayer with each passing day
At this point there’s still quite a bit of black in there, but the gray is taking over. When I get a haircut I’m always shocked by what rains down on the communal apron.
It looks to be 80% gray! When it’s still attached to my head I’d put it closer to 50%, but it seems to get grayer the moment it’s set free. I don’t really understand this, but it causes some low-level anxiety.
It is what it is, though. There will be no Grecian Formula for this guy. What’s it matter at this point? I mean, seriously.
People say I can’t hear, but they need to stop mumbling
I don’t know what to make of this. Toney and the boys are always saying I can’t hear anymore, but they mumble. Especially the boys. Enunciate, goddammit! Stop talking down the collar of your shirt, and maybe we can have a normal conversation.
But I do admit… my ears aren’t the greatest. I’ve had problems with them all my life. They get sealed off, for reasons unknown, and I walk around with my equilibrium in a state of flux. Plus, there have been one hell of a lot of rock shows through the years. Dinosaur Jr. alone has inflicted a great deal of damage. Holy hell!
Apparently I’m developing droopy old-man balls
Perhaps I’m a little too close to the situation, but I just can’t see it… Everything seems to be status quo down there. It’s not like I have a tube sock of flesh swinging around.
But about five years ago I noticed something new happening. I was constantly uncomfortable, and needed to make many adjustments throughout the day. And this has led to a slow-motion search for the perfect underwear.
I can no longer just go to Target and buy a bale o’ drawers for $16, or whatever. I’ve had to take it up a notch. Hanes and Fruit of the Loom are cheap and become baggy and loose within 20 minutes. And I can’t have that. The shit needs to be contained.
And the reason it’s slo-mo, is because it’s shockingly expensive. When you start dabbling in the world of high-end underwear, mister, you’d better hang onto your wallet.
The part that sucks: many of the expensive or semi-expensive products are no better than the K-Mart stuff. Oh, I’ve been burned. If I’m wearing a pair of $12 underwear, there shouldn’t still be a glacier effect going on. Ya know? Nothing should be on the move.
I’ve been searching for years, and still haven’t found the perfect solution. These are relatively inexpensive, and so far the closest to what I’m looking for. I’d rate ’em an 80 out of 100. But I feel like I can do better, so the quest continues. I hope I haven’t ruined your lunch…
And that about covers it. I can still eat whatever I want, and don’t get heartburn or any of that nonsense. And I don’t have any serious health issues, thank God. I do take blood pressure pills, a very low dosage. I think it’s going relatively well, so far. I seem to be gaining weight in my head, which is concerning. But nothing too earth-shattering.
What about you? What have you noticed changing over the past few years? Please tell us about it in the comments.
And I’ll see you guys again next time.
Have a great day!
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