I watch very little TV, but am fairly confident I’ve now seen every episode of Property Brothers. Multiple times in many cases. And how does such a thing happen? It’s baffling to me.
This morning, while slumped in a chair waiting for the coffee to reanimate my big bloated ass, Toney told me she saw something interesting on Facebook. “Uh huh,” I mumbled skeptically. But she was right, it was interesting. It was a link to the page where people can apply to appear on the show.
She told me some of the questions and requirements are crazy, so I checked it out. Here’s the link if you’d like to take a look. Today I’m going to go through a few details from the application that stood out to me, and invite you to share your thoughts in the comments, as well.
The highlighted text below is lifted verbatim from the application page, and then I’ll add my comments. Let’s get started, shall we?
If you are not part of a couple, the network requires a ‘sidekick’ to appear on camera for all shoot dates. Please fill out the following information for both participants.
A sidekick? I’m picturing Ed McMahon (“Hey-O!”) or maybe a wise-cracking, cigar-chomping midget? Is this how we always get the ball-busting “friend” who comes along and steamrolls over everybody, even though she doesn’t really have anything in it?
I generally dislike the sidekick, now that I think about it. The sidekick needs to butt out, and quit playing fast and loose with their opinions about somebody else’s massive financial undertaking. Sidekicks have no stake in it, and are just performing for the camera. God, how I hate the sidekick.
What makes you and your Spouses/ Partners/ Sidekicks memorable, unique and standout from all the other candidates?
I don’t understand. Spouses? Generally there’s just one, right? Who wrote this shit? In any case, I’d like to see the way people answer this question.
“I’m neurotic about carpet. That’s my thing and everybody knows it. If I see even a remnant I’ll lose my mind. I detest carpet! Don’t even like the word!! I’m on the verge of blacking-out just typing this!” I think I saw that one, in fact.
Or “I’m passionate about the phrase ‘men’s den’ and bring it up constantly. I’m a walking, talking blockhead of a cliché who craves nothing more than a room where I can watch ‘the game’ with ‘the guys.’” I’ve seen that one a few times, too.
Or “I’m a wide-hipped black woman who uses sass like Zorro wields a sword.” Or “I’m a decidely feminine man with a lot of sashay to my walk, yet I have a beautiful wife, and am apparently, in fact, straight. This will confound the viewers, as it does my co-workers.” Or “I’m a pathetic, aging burnout who still believes he’s going to be a rock star someday. I wear shirts with the sleeves cut off, to telegraph my coolness, and require a ‘music room’ which, of course, will just be a regular room with a guitar attached to the wall.”
Please upload a photo of yourself and your sidekick.
So, now it has to be a sidekick? I can’t bring my wife? This thing is confusing. And what’s the deal with this requirement, anyway? Is it a way to weed out the ugly? No, I’ve seen the show, so I know that’s not it… Oh, I know! It’s so they don’t accidentally bring on someone prettier than the pretty-boy Canadian twins themselves. Got it.
How did you and your spouse/ partner/ sidekick meet?
What do you and your spouse/ partner/ sidekick disagree about when it comes to house hunting?
Well, I’m a cashier at Yankee Candle with a seemingly impossible budget of $700,000. This whole process is going to stress me the fuck out. It’s a TV show with producers breathing down my neck, hollering at me to make a decision already so the Brothers can move on to their next house, and not really giving a tiny shitlet about my situation. And my sidekick just wants to be cute and make snarky remarks. She’s a horrible human being, and a subpar sidekick for sure. I feel like setting a warehouse fire. I really do.
Have you or your spouse/ partner/ sidekick ever appeared on a TV show? If yes, what show and when?
Yes, COPS. I was the guy who blew a .26 at a DUI roadblock in Florida, and had a large carton of buttplugs on the backseat of my car. It got great notices.
Describe your dream home and it’s style.
Should be “its.” I hope your carpentry is better than your copy editing skills. Holy hell.
Why do you desperately need the help of the Property Brothers?
Desperately? Let’s not make this any more pathetic than it has to be.
If you have found a house that you are interested in, please provide information below.
Hang on a second! This isn’t the way it’s supposed to work. What the?!
List the top 6 rooms of the “house of interest” you wish to renovate and why?
Are you kidding me? Sometimes the house is already picked out, or even purchased in advance?? What about all the hemming and hawing over the “Popcorn Ceiling House” and the “Glory Hole Manor?” You’re telling me that’s sometimes (often?) fake?? This is, quite possibly, the worst day of my life. If a person can’t believe in reality television, what’s left to believe in? Screw it, I’m going back on the junk.
OK, things took a dark turn there near the end. Perhaps unnecessarily. But I’m going to hand it over to you guys now. What are your thoughts on the application? Does anything surprise you? Tell us about it in the comments.
And I’ll see you again soon.
Have a great day!
Buy Jeff a beer! The man could use a beer.