Forklifts, the Crazy Websites We Miss, and Inappropriate Laughter

Last night at work we were talking about this video, featuring “Klaus” on his first day as a licensed forklift driver. It’s in German, but that matters not. Check it out, if you haven’t. It’s fantastic. I saw it years ago, before YouTube even existed, at a website called Portal of Evil.

God, how I miss that site… They discovered and curated early internet weirdness, like this gem. It was funny as hell, and often disturbing (which I enjoy). Many of the links at my old page The Mountain were found there. I’m sure 99% are now dead, but you can get a general idea of the fucked-upness of it all, by the titles.

There was a similar site run by a thin-skinned little weirdo who would get all offended and huffy at the slightest hint of criticism, and take down his website. This happened dozens of times, but within 48 hours it was usually back. Occasionally he’d fly completely off the handle, disappear for a week or two, and come back at a different address. The dude was paranoid and believed he was being bullied, stalked, etc. Ahh, it was a simpler time…

Anyway, I was surprised when almost everybody at my job was familiar with Klaus and his adventures. It used to be super-obscure, but not anymore. Hell, I wasn’t even the one who brought it up. It was disconcerting. I used to be the exclusive Northeastern Pennsylvania Keeper of the Klaus, and now this…

When I went to YouTube to find the video for you guys, I was sucked down a rabbit hole — which so often happens. I clicked on something labeled “forklift accidents” and there went another hour of my life. Here’s a taste:

A few years ago I was informed I would be required to have a forklift license at my job, and went through several days of training. My heart wasn’t in it, but I had no choice in the matter.

And I remember the instructor telling us a story designed to frighten. He said that at one of his former workplaces a guy jumped on a forklift to move it out of the way. He had no idea how to operate it, but decided it couldn’t be very hard. So, he got on, turned the key, and began messing with the controls. All sorts of things started happening, and he panicked. He had the forks lifted about five feet off the floor, whipped the thing around in a single tight circle, and drove them straight through a wall — instantly killing a man in the break room on the other side.

He said the guy was just sitting there, minding his own business, lifting a sandwich to his mouth. And it was that last bit of information that caused me great discomfort, as I tried to suppress my laughter. It was relayed to us in a melodramatic earnest tone, and my whole body was shaking with stifled laughter for the next ten minutes.

By the way, I got my license, and never used it. Not once. I think the thing expired in 2010 or 2011. Oh well.

And this one wasn’t supposed to be all about forklifts, but it’s the way it goes sometimes. Do you have any experience with those freaking things? Any stories to tell?  I try to steer clear. It’s not a skill I have a burning desire to acquire. Ya know? But if you have anything to share, please do.

Also, if you were online during the mid-to-late ’90s, what now-defunct sites did you frequent? Remember rotten dotcom? Wow! What old websites do you miss?

And… if you have any tales to tell about inappropriate laughter, we’ll take those too.

Thanks for reading, my friends!

I’ll be back on Monday.

Comments

  1. Knucklehead says:

    Rotten dotcom is still alive! I felt the painful pangs of separation of that site about two weeks ago (great minds…?) and had to know. It’s still active! There goes another hour of your life… Enjoy!

  2. I remember Rotten dotcom. There are still images burned into my brain from that site that I wish I could unsee.

    In the mid-90s, my big online activity was going to news groups about my favorite TV shows (mainly X-Files) to see what people said after each episode aired. Come to think of it, I still do the 2014 version of that when episodes of my favorite shows (Game of Thrones, for example) first air.

  3. I’m the king of inappropriate laughter. I have these friends that have a cat that was turned into a vegetable when it was hit in the head by a chunk of ice. I can’t even go over there anymore because I laugh at the way they carry on with the moaning shitsack of a cat.

  4. Jeannette says:

    It’s not from the 90’s, but it’s a gem – the tardblog. I think there was a dash or underscore or something in there. Holy shitballs, it was hilarious. Written by a special ed teacher, it chronicled her days molding the minds of her beloved students. It’s long since been abandoned, but I’m pretty sure the archives are still bringing inappropriate laughter to those who stumble across it.

    • t-storm says:

      tardblog was awesome. I’m pretty sure based in cincy.

    • Because I am a terrible parent, I introduced my oldest to tardblog. It was quite hilarious. I believe the author was found out and had to abandon the blod though.

      • Phantom Railfan says:

        Similar to, and maybe associated with, the tardblog was a blog called slowchildrenplaying or something like that. It was by a guy who worked at a group home for severely emotionally disturbed and handicapped boys. It was perhaps a bit more poignant at times than tardblog, but it still made for good reading.

        • Malcolm says:

          Slow children at play was the name of that site. It was based on the road sign. Very funny an touching at the same time. I don’t know how those teachers do it.

    • Tardblog was hosted on rudius.net – (Tucker Max’s old network)…there were more than a few gems on there.

  5. Gorilla mask.net but it has mostly devolved into softcore porn.

  6. Gorillamask.net

  7. Suck dot com.

    I drove a forklift once or twice during a summer job at a plastic factory. I got yelled at because I hadn’t had the training. No, they’re not that hard to operate.
    .

  8. t-storm says:

    Rock and Roll Confidential was awesome. Early 2000’s I believe. Possibly found through you. Also Tard Blog and True Porn Clerk Stories.

    I had to drive a forklift a lot 2004 to 2006. No training. Our warehouse had a forklift with no brakes so it took some practice.

    One day my Toyota Echo’s (Wallace) battery was dead so I pushed it in the warehouse. Between two rooms there was a roughly 45 degree incline about 4 ft high. I figured if I could get my car up the ramp I could push it down and pop-start it.
    I pushed my car to the ramp then got in the forklift and started pushing forks were pushing under the front bumper. It got to the top of the ramp and I panicked because everything sort of bottomed out and froze but the forklift went back down the hill with no brakes and then got chased by Wallace.
    Second attempt I got it up and managed to start it. mission accomplished!

  9. Just had a guy unsubscribe from the mailing list because he has a problem with the name Maturity Is For Suckers. Says he can’t support such a thing. Amazing.

  10. madz1962 says:

    Oh man, I can bust out laughing definitely at the wrong place and time. Wakes, funerals, church ceremonies. I was asked to do a reading at my uncle’s funeral and walked across the altar at the totally wrong part (the choir started belting out Ave Maria or something). I couldn’t stop laughing while I had to sit next to the priest and await my part.

    I think the weirdest inappropriate laughing was when I was at the dentist’s office. My sister had made a comment about my dentist’s teeth resembling grey fresh water pearls and I couldn’t get the image out of my head. I was choking on cotton wads and had to yank the slurpee out of my mouth. Every time I tried to compose myself, he would lift the mask to ask how I was and those goddamn glaring crooked pearls would taunt me again and again.

  11. JQ Brat says:

    My previous job was in a foundry and we had several forklifts. One day a new guy got of the forklift and walked behind it but he had left it in reverse and it crushed his pelvic bone. Also, the douche canoe manager once drove one through a wall.

  12. Jaymack says:

    Here’s one for Ya’. Back in 1986, I worked in a warehouse in Conyers that sent and received all the furnishings and carpet for Marriott hotels in the Southeast. As you can imagine, there were plenty of forklifts involved. One had a huge 12 foot long, 3″ solid steel rod mounted where the forks should normally be in order to move rolls of carpet. As you know, we called it “The Dick”. One day a person, who shall not be named, penetrated the trailer, cab and engine compartment of a semi truck offloading carpet with the Dick. It was the subject of much hilarity due to the fact nobody was injured. It is amazing how much penetration a steel Dick has when propelled by a 7,000 pound forklift. The engine popped out of the rig much to the dismay of the truck driver. If you have ever heard the term “cusses like a trucker”, J know the origin of that phrase firsthand.

    Jay in ATL

  13. Skippy in WV says:

    I work for a towing company, and we regularly use a forklift (forktruck) to move junk cars around the lot before they are sold for scrap. There were a few of us out on the lot moving cars around one day and one of the newer guys (he’s since been fired, you’ll see why in a second) said he’d never run a forktruck before and wanted to do it, so we let him have his jollies playin with it before we started moving the cars around. He proceeded to run the forks through 2 of the windows on a police impounded car. That was the end of his career with us.

  14. http://www.mytrailerpark.com was the first website I ever went to. Just thinking about it makes me laugh.

  15. I was in Beer Sales (best job in the world) and happened to be in the office when a 40ft refrigerated container of the Golden Elixir arrived ahead of schedule. There was no one in the office at the time, so it fell to me to jump on a forklift and unload that bad boy. Managed to not break a single bottle…good times.

  16. I had to run a forklift when I was working Hurricane Katrina.
    I’d never worked a fork lift before so my NCO drove it out to the middle of a big parking lot near Zephyr Field and said to go mess around on it for a while. After a while i was a suitable operator to transport food and water with this death sled.

    I didn’t have any accidents with it, surprizingly enough. I did fall asleep while running it a few times. I got to be a pro level trailer loader after a few days of moving pallets around.

  17. consumptionjunction used to be the horrific web site of choice in my circle of sickos.

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