It’s hard to believe — since I’m so old, and it’s such a common name — but I’m having trouble coming up with a personal Mary to tell you guys about. I know there are a lot of them out there, just not too many that have intersected with my ridiculous life.
I had a good friend in school whose mother was named Mary, and she comes immediately to mind. There was quite a bit of jackassery going on, and we all called our parents by their first names — behind their backs, of course. So, we’d say things like, “Is Mary home? Maybe we could watch the porn there?” or “Man, Mary’s gonna be PISSED when she finds out about this.” So, I heard her name a million times during my teen years, and she’s at the top of my Mary list.
Rocky and I also hijacked a “no alcohol” party during high school, hosted by a girl named Mary. I didn’t know her very well, but Rocky did. We arrived at this dullness jamboree, and found people playing board games and sipping Coca-Cola. Oh, this couldn’t stand…
We went to the beer store and made a large purchase, then started working the phones. Within 90 minutes the place was rocking, and beginning to tip toward crazy. Mary was nervous, because her parents had set down a strict set of rules, but wasn’t protesting too much. I think she was secretly liking how things were going with her party.
Then the evening took an ugly turn. Rocky got SMASHED, and began “acting out.” He wound-up and hurled a slice of pizza at a wall, for no apparent reason. It stuck there for a moment, and slid down in a wide greasy streak. Then he went upstairs to Mary’s room, and began rifling through her underwear drawer. I walked in on him, and he was throwing panties around the room, and rubbing them on his face. WTF? Later, he took a great arcing rainbow piss off the deck, attempting to hit a gaggle of nerds standing in the backyard.
There were other shenanigans that night, including a lady’s wig in the toilet that was peed on over and over again, but it’s all very fuzzy in my mind. The parents came home while we were still there, and it was like a scene out of Animal House as they walked through the front door. Molly Hatchet was blaring, people were making out, there was a raucous game of Quarters underway in the kitchen, and beer cans were everywhere…
I think I was grounded for a week, and Rocky received a much stiffer sentence — something like a month. Mary’s parents were furious about him peeing off the deck. Why they seized on that particular action, I don’t know. But it had been one hell of a party reclamation project. We should’ve been offered a TV show, called Party Rescue, based on that evening.
Mary obviously protected herself, and blamed it all on us. Which is fine; it goes with the territory. But she came up to me in school a day or so later, and kinda-sorta thanked me. Her party was the talk of Dunbar High.
And those are the only two Marys that come immediately to mind. What about you? Please share your stories of Mary in the comments section below.
And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day!