Clearly, I’m unable to keep up with this website right now. And it bothers me. I sometimes dream about how I’m not living up to my obligations, and suck on a basic molecular level. Oh, I have a regular lineup of anxiety dreams, and the sorry state of this website is currently batting third. It really bugs me.
So, until my life settles down, and my job is no longer all-encompassing, I’m going to have to make another change. I considered taking the summer off, but that feels too drastic. I’ve decided I’m just going to update on Mondays for a while, and it’s gonna be these kinds of all-over-the-place posts. Yeah, exactly the kind of thing I was trying to get away from… But, under the circumstances, it’s the best I can do.
This is hopefully temporary, and we can get back to the regular schedule soon. It worked well for a long time. But my job unofficially changed late last year, then officially changed in mid-February, and it’s been sucking up all the oxygen and sunlight ever since. I apologize, folks. I wanted to be 100% consistent here, and everything’s shit the credenza.
But I’ll make sure there’s something new on Mondays, with one or two good Questions mixed in, and we’ll see how it goes. I’m too old for all this stress and upheaval… My dad was retired when he was my age. Retired! I’ll die at work, probably wearing a security guard uniform and a scowl.
From the Quit Yer Bitching, Jeff desk, comes some news from our old friend Chris, the Angry White Guy. He’s posted in the comments about his son, Jamie, who is suffering from brain cancer. Here is a GoFundMe page with photos and information. Please feel free to donate, if you’re so inclined. As you can imagine, the medical bills are enormous.
During the first week of the baseball season Jamie was offered the opportunity to throw out the first pitch at a Tampa Bay Rays game, and we have video. Check it out.
Chris reports that it was a wonderful day. Each player took the time to speak with them individually, they all signed a bat for Jamie, and the family ate dinner with the team. Pretty cool.
I’ve known Chris all my life, give or take, and wish him and his family nothing but the best. Good luck, man! You and Jamie are in our thoughts.
Since I could never muster the energy to finish off last week’s post, here are the rest of the things that have made me laugh the most:
Late Night with David Letterman
The Jerky Boys
Beavis and Butthead
The Adam Carolla Show
Yeah, I know… a few of those are questionable. But, I’m just being honest. When I was in Atlanta the guy I shared an office with would play The Jerky Boys all the time, and we laughed our asses off. I mean, every time. We had them all memorized, but it was the all-in attitude, I think. It never got old.
And Beavis and Butthead is often dismissed as stoopid. But, that’s missing the point. Of course the two main characters are stupid, but the show wasn’t. It was a smart show about two dumbass kids. I love it, as well as King of the Hill, Office Space, Idiocracy, and pretty much everything else Mike Judge created. The dude is one of the best satirists of our time.
Letterman’s old NBC show was just about the greatest thing ever, Seinfeld might be my favorite TV show of them all, and Phil Hendrie is a real, honest-to-God genius. And I’ve listened to five 90-minute Adam Carolla Show podcasts per week for years. The laughs have come consistently, and the show must be included here.
So, there you go. Let me know what you think, and what would be on your list of the things that have provided the most laughs during your life? Here’s the first half of mine, by the way.
Yesterday Toney and I went into a giant furniture store — the kind where you can see the curvature of the Earth over by the sectional sofas — and were accosted by a salesman within roughly three seconds. The guy wouldn’t leave us alone, even after he said, “OK, I’m going to let you folks browse, and if there’s anything I can help you with…” That changed nothing. He was still nearby, ready to pounce. I hate that.
Anyway… he had Band-Aids all over his face, which was odd. Toney asked, in a whisper, what I thought was going on with him, and I said, “Dunno. Maybe he got all liquored up at the bar, and got into a fight with somebody about Scotchgarding or something?” I’m pretty sure he heard me, which caused us to start laughing. And then we couldn’t stop, on account of the awkwardness of it all. It was terrible, and also fantastic. Ya know? It hurt so good.
Speaking of awkwardness, I have to attend a two-day training class in mid-May which makes my stomach churn every time I think about it. It’s the wildly-redundant Train the Trainer Training, and at the end of it, I’ll be able to certify and license people to use forklifts, etc.
The problem? I’ve never used a forklift in my life. I had to get a license many years ago, and never used it. Not once. So, I’ve spent roughly 30 minutes on a forklift in 52 years. It doesn’t matter, they say. I’ll be training, not using. It’s all about safety.
But, I don’t know… The class concerns me. I’m afraid I’ll get to the hands-on part of it, and make a fool of myself in front of a bunch of coal-cracker rednecks. It’s stressing me out, man. I’m not good with this kind of thing. The classroom part I got… no problem. But it’s the hands-on part that’s making my sphincter wink.
Why, exactly, did I want this promotion again?? Sweet sainted mother of Babs Johnson!
And I need to call it a day here. Some dude just came and fixed our washing machine. He was here for roughly six minutes, and charged us $65. Said it was some kind of switch. Who the hell knows? But I consider it a bullet-dodged. Even though we paid him the equivalent of $650 per hour… Andy liked him, which makes me think he’s good people; Blacklips is a shrewd judge of character. So, I’m OK with it.
I’ll leave you with a Question we were batting around at work a couple of weeks ago. It’s possibly from Facebook, but I’m not sure. In any case, if you were given the opportunity to exchange years from the end of your life for $1 million each, what would you do? Would you agree to die a year early for a million bucks? Or two years for two million? What are you thoughts on this one?
My automatic reaction was to trade one year for a million, and use it to live out the rest of my life in relative comfort. But who knows when I’m supposed to go? Maybe it’s next week? It’s a tough one, and kinda silly, I admit. But I’d like to know what you guys think about it. Use the comments link.
And I’ll be back next Monday. Unless I get a burst of energy and inspiration… Yeah, who am I kidding? See ya next Monday!
Have a great week, my friends.