Yesterday I left for work at the normal time, and before I even made it to Interstate 81, the Devil’s Parkway, I was trapped inside a colossal traffic jam. What in the paper-thin hell?! I could feel the acid and fury bubbling inside my gut.
About twenty minutes (one mile) into the journey, my phone rang. It was Steve. I answered it, and he got an earful about my situation. Then I settled down a bit, and we began having a normal conversation.
Until, that is, some shitbag — his face distorted by anger — rolled down the window of his minivan and screamed at me: “HEY, GET OFF THE PHONE, ASSHOLE, AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD!! PUT DOWN YOUR GODDAMN PHONE!”
First of all… we were moving at roughly a half-mile per hour; dogs and lizards were passing us. Secondly, it’s legal to drive and talk on your phone in Pennsylvania. And thirdly, this dick really needed to mind his own business. “HEY, FUCK YOU!! STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!” I yelled back. And the guy threw his hands up in the international sign of exasperation, and shook his head with sadness.
Yeah, I know. It’s not wise to go around hollering the F-word at strangers, and aggressively inviting them to insert undefined items into their anus; it’s a good way to get shot. But sometimes an emotional toggle-switch gets thrown. Ya know?
People love to be outraged these days. It’s become the national pastime. And some folks are generalists, while others have specialized. I suspect the whistle-dick yesterday was a specialist, focusing on cell phones. That’s his “thing.” Right? I bet he tells everyone about how it infuriates him whenever he sees someone using a smartphone. You know, because he’s a hero.
I agree that people shouldn’t be texting and driving, but that’s not what I was doing. I was talking, and sitting in a barely-moving car. And I’m able to do that without problems. Perhaps I’m super-human? I’m not sure.
Tonight I’m going to see the Eels in Philadelphia, with Steve and my two sons. It’s about the eighth time I’ve seen them, I think. It’ll be the second time for the boys. Should be fun.
I don’t know if you’ve seen this bizarreness, but Steve Perry of Journey performed with the Eels a few nights ago, and it was his first time onstage in almost twenty years. Why did he do it with a semi-obscure indie rock band, in St. Paul, Minnesota?? The whole thing made my brain melt down a little bit. He even did “It’s a Motherfucker.” Crazy.
And here’s the explanation. It’s a pretty cool story. I doubt any reclusive classic rock legends will take the stage tonight, but you never know. In any case, I’m looking forward to the show. It’s always a great time.
Have you seen any bands multiple times? And I’m talking about reality… not that “I saw the Ramones at least 75 times” brand of bullshit. Sheesh. Please tell us about it, if you have anything to report.
As you guys know, one of my official Rules of Thumb is that nobody cares about the weird dream you had last night. So I’ll keep this brief.
A few nights ago I dreamed — for what seemed like hours — that I was wearing a jacket constructed of nothing but copperheads. The snakes weren’t doing anything to me, but there was an enormous amount of potential for problems. I was wearing a jacket of snakes!! Needless to say, I was stressed and anxious, for what seemed like an entire session atop the platform.
Any idea what that might have been about? A slithering, always-moving coat o’ copperheads? Shit! It was quite comfortable, though. And, I might add, not lacking in style.
Do you think it’s just a standard anxiety dream, taken to the next level? What’s your diagnosis? Should I pull the trigger and get myself into counseling, right away? Ha! I’m the sanest sumbitch you’ll ever meet. There’s nothing wrong with me, that $5000 wouldn’t fix.
Before I call it a day here, I want to thank you guys for the continued support. I know change is sometimes hard, and often annoying. But I think this new site will be a good thing, in the long-run.
What are your thoughts on the first week? Was yesterday’s update too long? Should I shorten ’em up a bit? Do you like the secret updates? Anything else you’d like to see? Other than more Nancy stories, of course? Please give me your feedback on how we can improve this thing. We’re in the early days here, and I want to make it as satisfying as possible.
Have a great weekend, my friends!
We’ll do it again on Monday.