Tomorrow I have to start my two-day Train the Trainer Training. At the end of it, if all goes well, I’ll be certified to issue licenses to forklift drivers. It’s offsite somewhere, and the company is paying an enormous amount of money for it. I’m fairly stressed out, if you want to know the truth. Why me? How am I the choice for this?? Every time I think about it, my sphincter goes wobbly.
Oh, it won’t be a problem doing the training, once I’m certified. That’s not an issue. It’s the maneuvers on a forklift — which I’ve never used — in front of an audience that I dread. I can already hear the snickering, and see the “man, that’s sad” head-shakes.
But, by Thursday afternoon it’ll all be over. And hopefully they’ll let me use this training film in my classes. Klaus! Worst forklift driver ever. The man’s a legend.
I’m having trouble with my back again. I don’t know why this is happening, it’s not like I’m digging ditches or moving credenzas during the day. But I wake up many mornings with my lower back hurting, and also the front of my thighs. It’s weird. And it doesn’t feel like muscle pain, it’s the nerves, or whatever.
Toney suggested I look it up on WebMD, but I refuse. Everything leads to devastating cancer on that site. I’m already paranoid as shit, when it comes to health issues, I don’t need to add fuel to the fire.
When it gets right down to it, I just think we need a new mattress. I don’t think you’re supposed to keep them for decades. I’m almost certain we bought ours in Atlanta, and it was semi-expensive. But we left there in 1996. So, it’s old. Still in good shape, but old. And I believe that’s the source of the problem. Right? Right.
I was in the presence of a salesman (purposely vague) the other day, and he started out by saying, “Good to see you, Jeff! You’ve lost some weight, haven’t you?”
What do you think about that? I know what he was trying to do, I’m not an idiot. But, why bring up my weight at all? WTF? Don’t talk about my body, freak.
But, of course, I let it go. And then he made me confused, all over again. He walked over to me and another guy on a break, and whispered to us, conspiratorially, “Hey, do you guys know why the dinosaurs went extinct?”
We chuckled in anticipation of the punch line, and shook our heads no.
“Because the T. Rex’s arms were too short to beat off with!”
What?! That doesn’t make any sense. There are so many holes in that so-called joke, I don’t even know where to start. And that’s his go-to material? Man, that’s sad. Have you heard any worse “joke” lately? Please share.
I was talking to my brother yesterday, and he told me our cousin has two homosexual men living in his house. One is the adult son of his wife, I think. I’m unclear.
Anyway, our cousin is flipping out, because those two are running up his utility bills. I wasn’t paying close attention to this tale, until he got to the next part… Heh.
He said that one of them can’t “move his bowels” unless he has hot water running over his feet. So, he supposedly sits side-saddle on the toilet, with his feet in the tub, and turns on the water for an hour at a time. This is driving up the electric bill, or whatever.
Have you ever heard of such a thing? I know people who can’t sleep unless there’s a fan running, and one person who has to rub silk between his fingers to fall asleep. And how weird is that? But this shitting ritual is completely new to me. How would you even discover the remedy to the problem? How many other things did he try before the hot water? And what’s the relevance of his homosexuality? It’s all very confusing to me.
I’ve got to go, my friends.
I’ll see you next time.