Be the first to arrive at a four-way stop. Do nothing for several seconds, thus creating an atmosphere of tension and confusion. Then adopt a “why am I forced to endure all these idiot assholes?” expression, and begin waving everyone else through.
Cover the back of your car with bumper stickers that express your political beliefs. Let everyone know you’re smarter than they are, and have it all figured out, while driving to your job at Auntie Anne’s Pretzels.
Boycott the middle turning lane: the dominion of losers. When you need to turn left, simply stop in the furthest left through-lane, turn on your blinker, and wait for an opening. Don’t be concerned about the line of cars building up behind you. In fact, revel in the fact they’re all focused on you. You’re a star!
When faced with a situation where two lanes are feeding into one, either a) stare straight ahead and let NOBODY in, or b) wave through six to twenty vehicles. Just keep on wavin’!
While parking at a place of business, pull in at an angle. It’s your space, use ALL of it. Make sure the front of the car is all the way to the right, and the back is all the way to the left. Or, if you prefer, park your entire car far to one side. Shake it up! Make a game of it. Also, feel free to make use of those primo spaces with wheelchair and stork signs in front of them. Somebody’s going to park there. Why not you? God knows, you deserve it.
When driving at night, always use the high beams; never turn them off. It’s an underutilized feature on most cars, which will greatly improve your visibility.
While driving on the interstate, or other high-speed thoroughfare, keep one foot on the accelerator and one foot on the brake. Constantly alternate between the two, as if you’re powering a paddleboat at Six Flags Over Fuck All Y’all.
Be an accomplished time-manager, and eat as many meals as possible while driving. But be careful! If you’re new to the 85 mph lunch, start slowly. Begin with a simple hamburger and fries from Burger King, for example. And over time, as your skills develop, branch out to more complicated affairs such as spaghetti and meatballs, corn on the cob, boiled crab legs, and even fondue.
Whenever you see a sign that reads RIGHT LANE ENDS AHEAD, drive all the way to the end with a smug and satisfied expression, then ask the same people you’ve just passed to let you over. When they refuse, make them realize how selfish they are, via head-shaking, eye-rolling, and gesticulation.
Every year when Daylight Saving Time begins, we’re reminded to change the batteries in our smoke detectors. It’s meant to be an automatic trigger in our brains. The same can be done while driving. Simply choose a type of building — a preschool or a hospice care facility, perhaps — and use it as a reminder to clean out your car. Whenever you pass one of those places, begin chucking out all your fast food wrappers, Sam’s Choice soda cans, etc. Because a clean car is a safe car!